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Red like blood upon floor
Your heart red blood slashed against that door
Pure pain can make or break a soul.
Your body without a heart, a hole.

Its stronger than an instinct
A ticking clock
Whos tick grows from tick to a tock
A tock whos echo thunders the blood i push to flow
The more she feeds, the hungrier she will grow.

The smell of your skin works like a charm
Sedated she will do no harm
I Pray that as i cum u do not see
That sweet and deadly being in me

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The following comments are for "Fire in Blood"
by Shaza89

not sure
I don't think this is your strongest piece, but there are elements I liked...

the second stanza really worked for me, the incessant ticking, and relentless spiralling rhythm provide a good hook and suit the mounting chaos and escalating passion…

I was a bit put off by the seemingly random capitalisation- two bloods and a pray-. I think if certain words are capitalised for a reason then to make the reader aware of that they need to be capitalised all the way through, otherwise it seems inconsistent...

some very strong, vivid ideas- as is always the way with your work- just in need of a little fine tuning is all.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: July 22, 2007 )

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