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Thine eyes' blue tenderness, thy long
fair hair
And the wan lustre of thy features-
caught
From contemplation-where serenly
wrought,
Seems Sorrow's softness charm'd from
its despair-
Have thrown such speaking sadness in
thine air,
That- but I know thy blessed bosom
fraught
With mines of unalloy'd and stainless
thought-
I should have deem'd thee doom'd to
earthly care.
With such an aspect, by his colors blent,
When from his beauty-breathing pencil born
(Except that thou has nothing to repent),
The Magdalen of Guido saw the
morn-
Such seem'st thou-but how much more
excellent!
With nought Remorse can claim-nor
Virtue scorn.

------
~Count Edmond Fernand Mondego~


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Comments

The following comments are for "A Verse For You"
by Count Edmond Fernand Mondego

to Count Edmond Fernand Mondego
Did you format the poem this way on purpose? Perhaps you should try to move words of the same sentiment into one line instead of two?

Please do not fragment smooth flowing lines, I know they are for rhythm's sake, but some of them comes across jolting, especially when you put the reader in such a serene atmosphere. It sounds as if you threw phrases together than broke them..all nice sounding..but together..they make little sense. You seem to have a fondness for distracting your readers.

"With mines of unalloy'd and stainless thought" seems awkwardly placed, so is the line of repent.

Furthermore, if you insist, when you write in this style, in this age, people becomes more focused to details, thus "has" instead of "hast" glares out, and other sentence structures and meanings made ambiguous..

""With mines of unalloy'd and stainless thought" is this suppose to be the start of the second stanza? Even so, there's absolutely no rhyme or reason for such a fatal intrusion. Perhaps a transition might be in order.

Overall, I recommend to try to devise some sort of a system for this type of poem where the lines actually can be breathed instead of read.

All IMHO of course.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: January 5, 2003 )

nice poem
Just letting you know I read the poem and liked it. I do think your style is a little ostentatious, though.

( Posted by: Seanspacey [Member] On: January 7, 2003 )

To Seanspacey
I appreciate your comment, dear sir, but I do not know how to take your last phrase. You said my style is ostentatious, but is not that a compliment? Unless you mean it otherwise, please explain; I do make an interest of your reasoning. Not to sound like a bitter child, but I was just confused on the matter-since you did plan to use the word as an objection- I found it rather to be complimentary. Which did you infer?

Farewell,
~The Count~

( Posted by: Count Edmond Fernand Mondego [Member] On: January 8, 2003 )

Edmond
I meant that the traditional, elegant language you use is effective. However, it's slightly over-done. I thought the poem would be more effective if, while mantaining it's style, it was slightly more concise. That's all.

( Posted by: Seanspacey [Member] On: January 8, 2003 )

to le Comte
Mousieur le Comte Cambrioleur,

What means you by such foul deed? This infamy and insult! I was reading today, Lord Byron, and something very familiar happened..

Though of course, you broke the proper rhythm and everything else by awkwardly placing the lines. No wonder I though the lines were fragmented..you actually had the nerve to break them...

And in the original, it is "hast", not "has". At least, copy right if you want to copy.

Are you trying to plagiarize, or do you think ruining a poem's meter and form gives you impunity?

Sure it doesn't have copyright, but unless somehow Lord Byron came back to life(in that case, I would want to meet him), you should not post it under pretence.

And perhaps I am part of a psychological experiment? Hmm..

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: February 13, 2003 )





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