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I walk imprisoned by loving hate
Too much love can suffocate
I know my nature: a heartless animal
But I fear yours: a brutal cannibal.


Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.

Imagine that, the release of all my emotions
The key to my survival: pure devotion
Years of rattling chains, against my cageís walls
The fear has slithered to my core.

Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.


Look at me now, how weak Iíve grown
Defenceless against your heart of stone
I was your trophy, but now my use has gone to waste
Iím nothing but a screaming face.

Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.

I lost much good but I learnt lessons in here
And that light I remember lingers near,
When ill be gone, and wronged your favour
Forgive my wild and vengeful nature.

Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.

Years melt hearts and years melt chains
My blood like fire in my veins
I have no regrets nor much morality
Iíll make your fears become reality.



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Comments

The following comments are for "Rusted Chains"
by Shaza89

Rusted Chains
some cracking lines here and pithy rhymes too. love to see those as lyrics, unencumbered by those odd lines and words that throw the rhythm out of kilter. something like this:


I walk imprisoned by loving hate
Too much love can suffocate
I know my nature: a heartless animal
But I fear yours: a brutal cannibal.


Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.

Imagine that, the release of all my emotions
The key to my survival: pure devotion
Years of rattling chains, against my cageís walls
The fear has slithered to my core.

Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.


Look at me now, how weak Iíve grown
Defenceless against your heart of stone
I was your trophy, but now my use has gone to waste
Iím nothing but a screaming face.

Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.

I lost much good but I learnt lessons in here
And that light I remember lingers near,
When ill be gone, and wronged your favour
Forgive my wild and vengeful nature.

Held in Captivity,
The Child you could not tame.

Years melt hearts and years melt chains
My blood like fire in my veins
I have no regrets nor much morality
Iíll make your fears become reality.

sorry, hope you don't mind my chopping and changing your poem- feel free to pelt me with virtual rotten veg if you do- I was a musician [of sorts] back in the day, and I've got a brain still geared to spotting a good song lyric when I see it... and this would make a great song...

that said, not that it isn't fine as is, only the odd word here and there clunks, makes the line too much a mouthful to read in rhythm. also a couple of the lines weren't- in my uninformed, unqualified opinion- necessary, as they lacked the immediacy and punch of the others...

sorry, I've rambled on and on. The abridged version is: enjoyed this, thanks for posting.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: May 23, 2007 )

thank you
Yea...ure right...the bridged version u made was alot better..thanks ...youre really helping me out. thing is that most of what i write,,,is there because it makes sense to me.. and i kinda lack that judgemental eye...but youre doing well. thanks for spending time on my work
il post a short one soon. dont know still working on it...thanks again.

( Posted by: shaza89 [Member] On: May 23, 2007 )

Chain, chain, chain...
Enjoyed this poem, particularly the ending.

I do think you draw your poems out a little too much - a little bit of excess writing because you want to be sure the reader/listerner is getting your messages and images.

I liked Shannon's take on it, but as we all know, it is very difficult follow someone else's re-write. Besides, your basic style is interesting and written in a way that makes one want to continue reading.

But Shannon makes a good point - whether it's a poem or song or something else, there's always a way to look at it in a way that can make it better.

I must say I didn't like the very first line -"I walk imprisoned by loving hate" - because it doesn't ring of truth. I doubt that you love hate. Or is this poem about someone else?

Anyway, I liked reading this poem.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: May 24, 2007 )





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