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Thereís nothing more enticing than a wanted fall from grace.


That unforgettable expression of your satisfaction that excites us.




Restrictions made her insane, behold my portrait


Your Immaculate face, Provoking me to let you hunt again.
She is my tempest, my passionís storm . She sways me stronger than any Iíve ever known before.
Helpless against my love for you , as you are mine.
My sweet and deadly libertine.


Overwhelmed by some dark divinity, irresistible the ardor of her glow.
Unstoppable. Shes the carnate manifestation of every perverse thought ive known.


Born of a forbidden love, and nurtured on a banquet of her desires.


And it terrified me to ecstasy to know


The more she feeds the hungrier she will grow.

Love me , As I to my past confine you.


Iíll remember you my love, and your face with the kiss, the kiss of the ghost whoís heart you broke.


May you forgive me when my body is but a wrinkled sack of skin and bone.


How I shall miss you when that fire: the thing I most adored


Through the wearing of slow and decadent years




Shall Burn no more.






My Sweet Libertine, defeated shadow of my debauchery
And my head heavy with your shame.
Ill feel alive as I watch you possessed by your screams,
The Silence of the memories, the grave is a holy place.
Donít feel betrayed.
Perhaps I never realized how happy you made me .






Now with my angel I must depart.


You wretched creature, the abstract art of my passionís perfection.


Live in my past , and await your resurrection.


The child of all my sins, may you be concealed from curious eyes.


My Sweet and Deadly Libertine.







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Comments

The following comments are for "Sweet and Deadly Libertine"
by Shaza89

SDL
humm...

can't make up my mind how I feel about this. some lines I really liked but they tended to get lost in the long-winded composition, all those long rambling unbroken lines... I think a lot of the immediacy and impact of your language and imagery suffered for that, which is a shame. I wonder would you consider altering how the poem looks of the page? I think that'd really help...

also, there are things I loved about your decadent, dramatic style and turn-of-phrase, and some I didn't. I think when it works, it works really well: "the abstract art of my passionís perfection.." is grand, for example. but then, when it doesn't work it really doesn't work, and that's when drama crosses over in to melodrama... sometimes less is more, I think, and occasionally, some of your lines are a little overstated, which makes them seem belaboured and forced: ďThat unforgettable expression of your satisfaction that excites usĒ, I could have done without, for example.

apologies. I hate picking holes in peopleís work, and I try to do it as little as possible. but I think, in this case, the poem- which at the moment is an okay poem with great bits in it- could be a great poem all out, all thatís wanted is a bit of tweakingÖ Remember to, this is just my own uninformed opinion. Itís your poem, so feel free to cheerfully ignore my adviceÖ I wonít be offended, honest ;)

on the whole, enjoyed this. hope to read more from you soon.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: May 19, 2007 )

Libertine
I enjoyed reading this very much, but I have to agree with OMG's incisive critique.

When I got to "Shall Burn no more," it felt like an ending. What came after that had a feeling of being tacked on.

I liked the existential, artistic passion of the poem - it felt like I was in a room with a picture still wet with paint.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: May 19, 2007 )

Shaza
You have great passion and it reverberates throughout this poem. I have read some of your other work. In the other poems you appear to have carefully trimmed out any words that were not needed. That act of redrafting has given them a lot of punch. Take a scalpel to this work and give it the same impact. Every writer on this site will tell you how difficult it is to do this. The end result will be worth the effort.
You have the ability, that's for sure. Just believe in yourself and get out the red pen!

Take care
Paul

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: May 28, 2007 )





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