THE PINK PANTHER STRIKES AGAIN
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In December of 2006, the Arizona Daily Sun printed the following: "About 1,800 square feet of insulation were reported stolen from the underside of a house on the 5100 block of East Hickory Drive. The victim said the insulation disappeared sometime between September and this week. She said she was having trouble keeping her house warm as the weather got colder."
Of course, one wonders if her insulation was indeed stolen, or if there was no insulation to begin with. That being said, let us just assume that she was fully aware, at one point or another, that her insulation was present and secure. This leads one to wonder how this strange crime took place.
Considering that most insulation is of the fiberglass variety, if the thief was not knowledgeable in the art of fiberglass insulation installation (or removal), common sense would lead one to believe that the culprit would have been in a lot of pain after leaving the crime scene.
Then again, who wouldn't have noticed a pink fluffy mass walking, or driving, down East Hickory Drive. And why wouldn't the victim have noticed the sharp cotton candy remnants of insulation under and around her house, after 1,800 square feet of it had been pilfered.
The answer to the JFK assassination is all about "The Grassy Knoll." Maybe, just maybe, the solution to this case is "The Glassy Mole." Yes, I admit that it's a horrid pun, but it is one that causes one to envision a poor little frigid mole, in his little uninsulated mole hole, racking his little brain as to how he could possibly stay warm. He does a little online research and learns about the wonders of insulation, but since moles don't have paying jobs or checking accounts, nor can they drive, the Home Depot was definately out of the question. So he pops up out of his little backyard mole hole, behind the house at 5100 East Hickory Drive, and voila! His prayers are answered! And now, he has a Pepto pink interior with a glassy bite!
PSYCHIC DISPATCHER AT YOUR SERVICE!
January 25, 2007
Dispatcher: Fire department, can I help you?
Caller: Yes, sir I think there's a lot of smoke.
Dispatcher: It's white smoke isn't it?
Caller: Yea, yea it is.
Dispatcher: Yea, yea it's probably from their smoker, like where they cook the brisket.
Caller: I see...
This conversation took place at 1:45 in the morning after the caller witnessed heavy smoke (but no flames) floating over Bert's Barbecue in Austin, which had closed for the business day at some time between 9 and 10 o'clock.
The 911 operator, insistant that BBQ was being prepared for the following day, took no action as he tried his best to convince the caller that there was nothing to worry about.
A little later, Joel Perez, an Austin taxi driver, made a call to the same dispatcher.
Dispatcher: Okay...does it smell like the wood? Or does it smell like something is on fire?
Caller: No it smells like wood, there's a lot of it. I was just going across the street and I could smell it. There's like all this, you know, bit of a hazing smoke around here.
Dispatcher: Well could they be smoking their briskets?
Caller: No, that's not brisket.
45 minutes after the initial call, the fire department was sent to Bert's Barbecue (which is located right down the street from the fire station) to find that Bert's was a total loss.
Although this dispatcher worked strictly for the fire department, his reasoning leads me to wonder how he would handle calls of various natures.
Like this one:
Caller: I've been robbed!
Dispatcher: How do you know this?
Caller: Well, my house is cold.
Dispatcher: Okay, I'm not quite following you. Did somebody steal your heating unit?
Caller: No, my insulation! 1,800 square feet of it!
Dispatcher: And how do you know for certain that it was stolen? Have you checked your attic or checked behind the walls?
Caller: No, I keep it on the underside of my house--and now it's not there!
Dispatcher: And when did you first notice your insulation missing?
Caller: Just now! It's been quite cold lately, and I've been wondering why I haven't been able to heat my house, so the most logical thing to do, I thought, was to crawl under the house! That's when I noticed that my insulation was gone!
Dispatcher: Did you see white smoke?
Dispatcher: Oh, I'm sorry...that was my last call. You know, for some strange reason, I'm craving BBQ right now. Oh, excuse me...you're the insulation call, right? What color was your insulation?
Caller: Pink, but I don't know what that has to do with anything.
Dispatcher: Just doing my job, ma'am. Are you under your house now?
Caller: No, should I be?
Dispatcher: I guess it's not necessary. Do you think that you might have misplaced it?
Caller: I don't think so--but I'm so cold right now that I'm delirious.
Dispatcher: I understand, and I'm here to help. So tell me, have you noticed any strange people around your house lately?
Caller: Well, there were those Jehova's Witnessess, but I don't think they did it. Don't you think that you could send someone out to look for clues or something.
Dispatcher: I just have a few more questions to ask. Do you use space heaters or do you have central heat?
Caller: Space heaters.
Dispatcher: And what do you have your heater set at?
Caller: Set at? What do you mean?
Dispatcher: The temperature control knob! Do you have it turned as high as it'll go?
Caller: I'm supposed to turn it? Well goodness gracious! It's starting to get warm! How can I ever thank you!
Dispatcher: No need ma'am. Just doing my job. Can I help you with anything else?
Caller: Yes, I don't know if this is normal or not, but I see smoke.
Dispatcher: Is it black smoke or white smoke?
Dispatcher: Don't worry. It's probably just brisket. Have a nice day!
Think it, and it shall be!