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Everything had gone dark. His acid green eyes fluttered open. Jenks reached a hand up to his still-throbbing head and took a mental inventory of his surroundings.Sterile white walls and a dingy metal floor marked the confines of the room. His nostrils flared at the pungent odor of bleach and chemicals. How long had he been out? *Bastards must've drugged me,* he thought,thin lips curled into a sneer.*Never would've slept this deeply otherwise*. Normally, his access to the Morphean realms lay at the mercy of the two box fans in the cramped, dingy three room space that passed for an apartment. Especially during summer, when humidity factors sweltered hot enough to melt candle wax. Sleep was mainly what he used that hole for anyway, his lean-muscled form passing out on the beer-stained sheets out of physical exhaustion after a late night's work shadowing a mark down dirty,dim-lit streets or gathering info on a quarry in some smoke-filled, rythym and blues drinking establishment.

"Oh good you're awake." The door opened.Into the room bustled,to Jenks's senses,a life-sized
version of a Ken doll,minus about thirty pounds, with nerdier facial features, clad in an ivory-white lab coat over surgical, operating room scrubs. The young man entered the room, brandishing a clipboard and electronic pen. Electric blue eyes scanned Jenks up, down, over inch by inch with clinical scrutiny akin to a medical student with a fresh blood or tissue sample. "A subject's vital signs are much more accurate for me to gauge when they're conscious."

"Just who the hell are you?" Jenks growled as he rubbed his temples, wishing he felt less doped up so he could show this egghead the business end
of his Glock.

"Nigel Voight,research specialist. I'm prepared to make you an offer..." He glanced absently at the chart. "Ah, yes. Mr.Jenks."


Her hands clenched the Jeep's steering wheel. The reinforced plastic creaked and popped as she swung a sharp right turn at the corner of Kinsey and Milano. The driver of a faded grey Camaro honked its horn. Risha floored the accelerator and
barreled down the one way street,past rows of dilapidated brick shanties and abandoned ware houses, her gaze locked straight ahead. A warning growl of thunder resonated in the distance. The
Jeep's speedometer needle bounced and climbed to fifty miles per hour.

Fetal-curled on the back seat's vinyl interior, Danielle groaned. Her hands held tight to the contours of her shivering frame,complexion paled to a cyanotic cafe au lait. "So cold." She whimpered in a childlike fashion. "S'il vous plait, Risha...non medicin...take me home." A
fevered murmur escaped her dry lips.

Risha ground her teeth and cemented her gaze to the road ahead. "Almost there, Dani. Don't you quit on me now." Driving like a soldier hauling ass out of enemy terrain,she careened left at the corner of Milano and Leroy. *Keep her talking*,
her inner voice urged. She wracked her brain in desperation. "Let me tell you a story Grandpa told me the last time Dad and I visited him on the Reservation."

"Thought the goal here ease my pain." Danielle groaned.

"It kinda relates,in a way,to your situation." *Good, good, just two more miles.* She cleared her throat. "Long time ago, man and the animals lived in harmony with one another, and a sacred
balance was shared between the two. Then things changed, when some greedy,power-hungry people decided to hunt only to sell meat and fur, for as
high a profit as they could..."

"Job offer?" Jenks all but laughed in the scrawny doctor's face. "What sort of job offer?"

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The following comments are for "Mourning Glory in the Sixth Age:IV"
by Tigerlily

It's still going at quite a pace; I'm impressed.
I really liked the bit in the jeep. Okay, speeding someone to the doctor is a bit of a cliche, but I think you've done it well here. I especially liked the way you introduced Dani's French speaking - reverting to mother tongue - without making a big thing of it; it just happened. Which is exactly the way it would be. Nicely written.
The first part was also good, though I've got a couple of small points I want to bring up...
Firstly, the bit about his sleeping habits at home confused me. At first it sounded like he didn't get much sleep ('..lay at the mercy of..'), then it sounds like he spends all his time sleeping ('Sleep was mainly what he used that hole for anyway'). And the phrase 'Morphean realms' just sounds psycadelic! :-)
The other point is the Ken doll... I'm just not sure that is the first thing that would spring to the mind of butch guy like Jenks. It's a good description... I'm just not sure it really fits Jenks' thoughts.
All that said though, I did like this section too, so forgive me if I sound like I'm picking it apart.
Overall so far, I would say you're carrying the story very well. It's got a good pace to it, and your characters are real enough for the reader to care about them and keep reading.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: December 23, 2002 )

Glad you're still enjoying it! Now if my gremlinized computer will only allow me to wrap the text so it looks neater.
And fyi, no, your critiques are most welcome! Speaking as someone who went to an Art School for writing, you're not being too harsh in the least*grins*

( Posted by: tigerlily [Member] On: December 24, 2002 )

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