Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8

(2 votes)


RatingRated by
10ivordavies
6ruina

You must login to vote

It's the daybreak of the night
and as far as I can see
The empty wash of flood
takes out the tide.
The silly shells of human souls
sit on the flotsam in meditation
of the past of their future swim.
Through humanity I fly
hurtle past empty fish eyes
staring out of the mud.
And all their fingers like worms
follow me
Accusingly.
Yellow rays stab my black heart
and make it bleed, just a little.
But not many make it through the mask
made of despair flying the land
land of deadmen
all men die.
A supercalifragilistic
bird sings the moon
and a whale dances the stars.
Baby's breath clouds
your dark sickness
while mother of eternity
sings her sad songs.
red like blood
spills from the East
an antiseptic wash in a dump of words.
that's what I said but you died.
Time couldn't hold up the light inside me.
a light inside you.
But it wasn't what I wanted to scream
While I the end breathe close to death.





------



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Dump of Words"
by senoritaburrito

Dump of Words
some lines in this I really loved, "silly shells of human souls" is my current favourite. also liked- if that's the right word?- the over-powering feeling of chaos and squalor that gives the poem its drive...

not sure if the fullstops work for me though, I got snagged on them a couple of times, and I think maybe slightly shortening some lines would work well in places too, perhaps the third, eight, ninth and seventeenth? I'm not sure why, but I think breaks in these lines would help pick up the pace and drive the poem forward, and maybe also heighten the sense of desperation ...?

Not that my advice is worth much, so feel free to cheerfully ignore me ;)

I think this poem has great potential, thanks for sharing it.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: February 6, 2007 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: