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Author's Note:
there are 2 versions because i'm indecisive, which one is better?



draft 1.
heard your heart beat with my
stethiscope.
And saw
your eyes at morning
and your lips at evening,
glimpses of your skin
and your hair in my fingers.
The presence of "yes".
Now i wait
hoping that in a smokey room
i'll see smokey eyes and
a ray of sunshine waiting.


draft 2.
heard your heart beat,
your breath hard.
seen your eyes at morning
and your lips at evening
glimpses of moonlight on your skin.
my fingers in your hair.
I've breathed, touched, felt
in the presence of your yes.

------
someday could be today...





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Comments

The following comments are for "ray's love poem 1&2"
by ruina

Ray's Love
Both are equally alluring, but the first version hits the nail square. Its last line makes great, and its oddball verbiage is a treat.
Siah.

( Posted by: Siah [Member] On: January 28, 2007 )

ray's love poem
for me the first works best, though I would end it at the eighth line and the presence of yes. I think I like this one best because of the intimate (though abstracted) details, the sense of suspense they create, and the picture they build, a quiet longing seldom verbalised... I would end it with the presence of yes because the hoping and waiting have already been shown, they don't need to be said... though I do like the idea of a ray of sunshine waiting... *Shrugs.*

Anyway, that's my two cents, both are great poems for describing the subtle ways desire communicates... to my mind at least. Enjoyed.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: January 29, 2007 )





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