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I heard screaming,
But it wasnít coming from me.
My eyes are open,
But it is darkness that I see.
The screams get louder,
Almost deafening to my ears.
Wandering around in the dark,
I could tell that I was getting near.
I came across a mirror,
And wondered what it was for.
Not realizing that I,
Didnít hear the screams any more.
I was so filled with curiosity,
That I had to take a peek.
My body trembled with fear,
That I could not move my feet.
All of the sudden, it got cold,
As if the wind blew.
I stood there. Solid.
But still didnít have a clue.
The mirror came to life,
As if it were a TV.
I saw a person standing there,
Then realize that it was me.
I laughed at myself,
For being foolish; for being scared.
I was so amused by the televised mirror,
That I didnít realize that I was watching my nightmare.


------
Erica R. Lindsey aka Windsong [got married in '08]



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Comments

The following comments are for "My Nightmare"
by Windsong

Too loose
There's some great stuff in here, and I love the concept of it. But it's too loose, too ungrammatical (sometimes present tense and sometimes past tense, for instance) to be effective. If you tightened up this poem, I've no doubt it could be very effective.

Watch for things like:

"I was filled with curiosity,
That I had to take a peek.
Also, filled with fear,
That I could not move my feet."

If you structure these as sentences, you can see that they make no sense. "I was filled with curiosity, that I had to take a peek" doesn't work in English. But if you changed it to "I was so filled with curiosity that I had to take a peek" then it works, and "So filled I was with curiosity that I had to take a peek" works even better. It's just a little change, right? But it makes a big difference.

Similarly, "Also, filled with fear, that I could not move my feet" doesn't make sense either. But you can make the same sort of little change that we made above. Then you'd have:

"So filled I was with curiosity,
That I had to take a peek.
So filled I was with fear,
That I could not move my feet."

That flows much better, it makes sense, and it draws the reader along at a good clip. Plus, the fact that these two sentences have the same structure makes the reader's mind loop back from fear to curiosity, linking the two emotions together. And that gives the poem added resonance.

I was also torn between thinking it should be split into stanzas or leaving its structure as is. Now I think the structure's fine. With a good edit, the lines will tumble after each other and stanza breaks would just get in the way of that.

That's my take. Hope you find it helpful. I'd love to read this again after it's been edited!

( Posted by: viper9 [Member] On: September 14, 2006 )

Really good, but...
This is a great poem, and I love the concept. But I think you should make it flow together more, okay, I jsut confused myself. What I mean is, if you make the words flow together, you'll entrance your reader and get more good comments than bad. Plus you'll feel more accomplished. But otherwise, I liked it alot.

( Posted by: DeadYetAlive [Member] On: September 15, 2006 )

I agree
I agree with Viper and DeadyetAlive in saying that it would flow better if it was tighter and if the punctuation was better suited.
For example, when using a dot or a comma, you should think that the reader takes a full pause on the former and a half pause on the latter. That, mixed with tighter sentences would make this a great poem.

But don't get me wrong. I like the poem. The televised horror show is good.

( Posted by: Siah [Member] On: September 17, 2006 )





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