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My first "ascending poem."
------------------------------------------------


Die



Lets die.



Not like that.



Not by razor blades.



Not by scissors or knives.



Nobody wants to hear mother's cries.



Dont want all the larvae and flies.



Dont need a death by some determined infection.



Cant keep living

imprisoned in a mirror's reflection.



Reflected in the muddy water,

A ghost with no inflection.



My spirit doesn't know me,

Not by face or by name.



Without you, brother,

Dont you know

I wouldn't feel the same?



What happens to accusations?

Guilt and shame,

When we're not there to blame?



The night is finally over,

To live is to die

In the Sun's light.



Sleep escapes,

Like eels through your fingers.

Time to wake up,

The dream is gone.



No more self-appointed, moral-dictating,

Short-sighted hypocrites

In the dying world where Jesus saves.



Planted and forgotten,

Forever waiting to be remembered.

How do we grow in a world of fog?



Take these words, brother.

I offer my words like my hand,

For you to take.

Everyone is recoiling.



Beaten and kicked

like an old, stray dog;

Till our feelings grow tough

And we feel nothing at all.



So we die

To be reborn as the sky,

Dripping vision like rain.

Above perceptions

That closes in like plagues.






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Comments

The following comments are for "Die With Me"
by BAAL

Ascension
I think this piece is terrific & visionary. Really strong writing. Too many good things to point out, but just a few - the "larvae and flies" line, the "ghost with no inflection" stanza ("inflection" being the perfect word to use), the stanza after that one, and on & on!

I really like the last stanza, especially "dripping vision like rain," but something felt awkward between the first 3 lines and the last 2 lines. I think it's "above perceptions," which is maybe too explanatory and not needed, but I like "That closes in like plagues."

On second and third thought, I think you could just end the poem with "Dripping vision like rain." I don't think it would lose anything. The last 2 lines as you have it here is pretty much implied throughout the piece, which is why I don't think those 2 end-lines are needed.

I very much appreciate what it must have taken, in both human & spiritual costs, to have created this poem.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: September 6, 2006 )

Die With Me
"What happens to accusations?/ Guilt and shame,/
When we're not there to blame?" there's a desperate intimacy to the whole thing I really like. but those lines are the best, speculative, almost quizzical, a sense of the unknown.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: September 6, 2006 )

sorry
i can't just cut lines out, it's an ascending poem. the amount of words in each stanza, is the # of the stanza. first stanza has one word, second has two, third has three, etc. the 20th stanza must have twenty words. i'm really sorry it dragged, i think you should give it a shot. it's good practice.

( Posted by: BAAL [Member] On: September 6, 2006 )

Ascension - word count
I'm not familiar with this poem form/device. I was so blown away by the poem I didn't even notice what you were doing, although I thought about your preface - "my first 'ascending poem'." After reading the poem, I took the meaning of the phrase in a metaphysical sense, a surreal sense, and it seemed to fit. The poem and perceptions do seem to gradually arise, and in the end the visions are re-born into rain that falls, and the process repeats itself "like plagues."

I'm not into poetry forms and devices much, but this one is pretty cool. I do like "list poems" and "found poems." That's one thing I liked about your recent serial killer poem. It is both a "list poem" - a list of quotes, and it is a "found" poem - the words were already there just waiting to be found. Like a piece of raw granite before a sculptor gets their hands on it.

Now, some bad news, although it should be pretty "easy" to fix - the word count is off in two stanzas. Stanza 9 has 8 words, and stanza 12 has 11 words.

I still think the last two lines of the poem could be improved somehow, using basically the same words.

I took "Above perceptions" to mean all the perceptions in the poem preceding #20 - is that correct?

Anyway, I think your first "ascending poem" is great.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: September 7, 2006 )





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