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When I was an orderly
I had to bathe old men
who embarrassingly complained
that their dicks had gotten
short & shriveled.
When they died
I had to wrap them up
& wheel them to the morgue.
It's funny.
As I was wrapping them up
their dicks were noticeably longer.

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The following comments are for "CONSOLATION PRIZE"
by gomarsoap

just so you know, this is the first thing I read when I logged on this morning. So, before even my first mouthful of coffee my day started with old men's dicks being noticeably longer in death. Now there's a thought for seven AM.

Seriously, I'm getting to like these stark observations. I want a cut out and keep version. Should take one a day, like vitamin pills, keep the world an interesting place. There's a wryness there, a blackly comic reminder of our own mortality. Title made me laugh too. Thanks for this. ... I think.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

Always a pleasure
I love your observations, man. Hilarious, and oddly moving too. Consolation prize indeed.

( Posted by: viper9 [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

I am sitting here drinking my coffee and i read your poem I had to laugh I use to work in a nuring home It brought back some memories about the men well some them how they complain that theirs didnt work. very good thank s for posting

( Posted by: wanda [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

If it's any consolation..
..ah. Nature loves a little irony.

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

"Consolation" comments
Thanks for the positive comments. I wasn't sure how this would be taken - didn't want it to sound cold or distant. Most of the time these old guys just wanted to lay in bed and would refuse to take a tub bath. I was good at talking them into it. I always told them that a nice hot bath and shampoo would make them feel much better, "better than medicine," and it was true. Or I'd say, "It'll make you feel like a million bucks - okay, maybe only 1/2 a million." It was hard work because most of the time you had to physically lift them in and out of the tub by yourself.

They would invariably say something about how their dicks were longer when they were younger. I had some good conversations in that hot, steamy tub room. Some of these guys had really old, beautiful tattoos from the 1920's or so. I'd ask where they got them so I ended up hearing some good stories. That seemed to perk them up, too. Another funny thing - I used little disposable packets of emema soap to shampoo their hair - it was mild and smelled pretty good.

Of course, when some of them would die it wasn't so funny - at least not "ha-ha" funny. But it was true about their dicks which was..."funny."

Wanda: I see you've been around the block.

windchime - I hated those Texas catheters. The kind I used back in the late 70's were like a condom with a tube coming out of the end. You had to get the damn thing on and then try to get a latex band buttoned around it before it slipped off. Then there was another long latex band you put around the thigh to keep the urine tube in place and from pulling the condom off. You'd finally get everything in place and the damn condom part would slip off. Then, after a few days of putting it back on over and over again their skin would start to break down. Then they'd end up with an in-dwelling catheter which probably should have been done in the first place. I hope they make them Texas catheters better these days. Gee, don't you just love "shop talk?"

I was out of that profession by the time implants came along.

The bad news: I'm gonna be one of those geezers before too long.

The good news: I'm going to pull my Texas catheter off on purpose...Lucie! Wanda! Help!

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

Ha-ha-ha! You're most likely right. But they will have to supply us with laptops so we can still spend time at Lit.Org while we're laying in bed eating our Jell-o. That'll shut us up for awhile. Or a nurse will hear us groaning in agony and rush into the room: "What's wrong, you sound like you're dying?" "I'm okay, I just read the worst poem ever!" The good poems will have the effect of Demerol.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )

Very poignant

I could read this a 100 times and find different meaning, metaphorically. Of course, on the surface there is probably some medical or physical explanation. But when I think a little bit more I find life is full of those little ironies -- we can't predict them, we can't cause them, we can't prevent them, and usually we can't explain them. But you have done a great job of describing that type of irony.

very nice, and worth putting on the bulletin board at work -- if I could only believe that others would understand the message.


( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: August 18, 2006 )

Thanks for the comment. I think it has to do with all things in the body "relaxing" upon the state of death. Do you work in a medical-related environment?

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: August 18, 2006 )

Hi, bob: this poem is classic, simply superb, in its irony of ones hidden sexual desire and anxieties. I read a really memorable poem after a long time. You have a powerful pen.

( Posted by: R.K.Singh [Member] On: August 24, 2006 )

good point
As they say, "use it or lose it."

But there's no point in shrinking up about it.

( Posted by: johnlibertus [Member] On: August 27, 2006 )

This poem is very funny, I could imagine what had been the look on your face wrapping the dead up. Good you were able to keep the memory of it and write a poem after a while.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: December 28, 2006 )

Gomar's predicament!
Jeez Gomar...I was unable to log on here for about four months and look what wrote your best poem naughty boy you!

This was hysterical...thanks Peter for re-posting it! Ah the joys of growing old...who was that idiot who said "the best is yet to be???" and you know what? ain't seen nuthin' yet!!!

I can hardly wait for the next phase to begin!!!!


( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: December 28, 2006 )

Peter & Bea
Thanks for reading - also to Peter for the comments on Eating Bluegills.

Peter - the look on my face when wrapping them up was always reverent and the entire process done with as much dignity as possible. They could have easily been one of my loved ones. Hope your life is going well.

Bea - nice to see your indomitable spirit around here again.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: January 4, 2007 )

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