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Uneven


Tennis shoes hang outside
Gonads of the block
Power pole legs
High wire charm

This day for me
This pagan scene
Nakedness and smoke
Watch from padded Sunday
Darkening of hills

Last meal of everything
Daybreak execution
Wander into commerce
Mass mess

Buy low
Sell high

Now

I bring eyelids down
With the turning of a page




------
johnlovejr at hotmail dot com


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The following comments are for "Uneven"
by Flonigus

Uneven
"Last meal of everything/ Daybreak execution/ Wander into commerce/ Mass mess" was my favourite. The crushing inevitability of sleep-walking through another ordianry day, like leaving your senses behind with the weekend. The feeling of loss is palpable. The physical and sensual world disappears to be replaced by fragments of harsh reality, bying low and selling high, now.

I liked the lyricism of the last line but I didn't quite "get" it, I don't think. But then I probably missed the point of the rest of the poem completely. I've a habit of doing that. Either way I liked it. I'll shut up now.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

Hmmm
Not sure I get it, exactly. It's interesting, but I feel a little lost.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

Uneven
I have to agree AuldMiseryGuts. Well written thanks for posting

( Posted by: wanda [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

Uneven
Not sure about the connotation of the title, but I sure like the poem. Your neighborhood block as its own entity.

I feel the sense of futile routine - the tennis shoes hanging there almost like a symbol of castration. The forboding of another Monday.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

Kilter, or its absence

Shannon, Lucie, Bob- Your observations are all congruent with the intended thrust (or drift?) of the poem. Don't want to be too obtuse. Or maybe that's the best I can hope for- a lyrical confounding.

I don't blame you, Viper. Thanks for the word "interesting", though. But, the "Hmmm" is most appreciated.

By the way, you've got some good things going around here; with your recently proposed series of particular note. Your stuff is always sharp and alive; even when the speaker is dead.

Along with the hellos from wanda and the Sisters Whip, a deep Thank You from me for the consideration of all your comments.

O.K., so I'm going to be the magician who will show just a bit of what he was trying to do when the trick failed. (Boo!)

Uneven is a lot of things in this poem. At least half a dozen. So whatever you might see in it, we are probably sharing some same moon.

Another draft had the word Now up right under the previous lines as: Buy low/Sell high/Now. Then I moved the Now down to its own spot to be a pivot between those two stanzas; where it relates to both: the urgency of commerce ("You want it when?" "Now") and, also, back to where I still pictured the speaker in his Now- reading a bedtime story Sunday night. (Bedtime stories, read aloud, happen nearly every night at our home, even for the young.)

It was supposed to come off like a snap of the fingers. More like a damp twig?

Originally I had written: I bring her eyelids down/with the turning of a page. I think this offended Mary for the implication she took from it as to the importance of this "she" in the speaker's life. I changed it. It may still offend her, but we'll get over it.

There are ways I could make it clearer. There are ways I could inject more color. But there are forms to fill-out first. And someone's got to do the computer entry. I hope the printer is working.

~ John

( Posted by: Flonigus [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )





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