Sick Willy's lament.
by dirtyoldman (Member) - published: August 12, 2006
Word Count: 193 Word Bytes: 1091 Viewed: 1398 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by dirtyoldman

8.92

(41 votes)

Rating	Rated by

7	andyhavens

8	Ashmedai

9	AuldMiseryGuts

10	BAAL

10	Bigyellowmonkey

7	BWOz

8	castanedalupe

9	chinadoll

8	claudita

9	Cynical_Scribe

9	Dareva

10	Demeter

10	DieBaronHobskew..

10	drsoos

7	emaks

9	Fairplay

10	FelineWhip

9	Flonigus

10	Gorakekalloo

8	johnjohndoe

10	Legs

9	LovesEssence

9	MountainBill

8	nae411

8	Nitz Kitty

10	Peresphone2006

10	PETERPAULINO

7	PSFoster

9	rcallaci

10	Siah

8	Teflon

10	The demure 1

10	Thinspiration

9	tinalouise

10	tomasini

9	unseenwriterx

10	Viper9

9	wanker

7	williamhill

8	windchime

9	witchy woman

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Please don�t call me old fashioned or simple,
Don�t say I�m pathetically plain,
I�ve heard it before, and to hear it once more . . .
I just can�t bear it again . . .

It was the height of the heat wave,
when not even god saves,
the sick and the old or the lame.
To remember what you gave . . .

Is all I have today . . .
I carry it both night and day.
When you gave your love without knowledge,
I didn�t know what I could say . . .

Your silhouette calling me honey.
I was broken and out of money.
Though I could hear, gently in my ear.
If you knew, you would just think me funny.

Oh the times we spent by your shade.
I would have given you gold or jade.
And though you never knew, what I was up to,
it was truly the sharpest blade . . .

And the window between us a prison,
I never knew who on what side,
and me in the tree, I felt so free . . .
Wish I hadn�t fell out and died.

------
When I think about you I touch myself - diviynals.

Comments

The following comments are for "Sick Willy's lament."
by dirtyoldman

Sick Willy
Poor Willy. The poem was strange to follow, I'll admit, but it was worth it for the ending.

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: August 12, 2006 )

willy
Got a kick out of the ending. The rhyme scheme seemed a bit forced which made ones mind wander from the storyline of the poem. A little more subtle rhyming would of juiced up the piece. An excellent effort and one worthy of the write-off. A Nine from me.

my warmest
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: August 12, 2006 )

lament
Don't know where this is coming from, nor where this is going. There is very little or no reason here. It is all impressions and expressions of impressions. Your final line, though, redeems the entire poem for me: it is so aptly candid in how it explodes all limitations.

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: August 12, 2006 )

An Accident
Sorry, I accidentally gave you that 10. I meant to give you a 7. You had a few good ideas, but they didn't stick. The rhyme scheme twitched instead of flowed at times. But, it was decent. Keep it up.

( Posted by: BAAL [Member] On: August 12, 2006 )

Mister Filthy
Dropped by the wish my distinguished competition the best of luck and I find he's written another perverse, twisted, funny-as-all-shit entry.

That's one thing I like about the write off: seeing how two people can start with the same cue and end up in totally different places!

Good work, DOM.

( Posted by: viper9 [Moderator] On: August 12, 2006 )

Sick Willy
wow. you have to wonder at the mutual cue that prompted both these completely different responses. I liked this one too. But for entirely different reasons and in an entirely different way to Mister Viper's piece. There were lines were I loved the language, the "silhouette calling me honey" being most satisfying. And there were places were I snickered dirtily. The last stanza gave an emotional kick that lent depth and made me feel like a shite for laughing at poor Willy. Have to say though, rhyme's not really my thing and the flow didn't sweep me along. That's probably a reflection on me, not you. Fine piece all the same, enjoyed the read.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: August 12, 2006 )

Lament
I liked the overall message in this poem, as a lamenting final plea that probably will go unheard. I do think the ryhmes were a bit forced, probably just not enough time to let them cool off and then edit. With a writeoff I guess that is one thing that, at least for me, might suffer because I really struggle with ryhme and flow sometimes, not wanting it to seem forced.

I do like the message though, and the title is right on the money.

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: August 12, 2006 )

Sick Willy
I'm trying to figure out what could be the cue, cause you guys seem world's away.
I really don't get this one. There are some lines that are excellent. My favorites-
"Please don�t call me old fashioned or simple,
Don�t say I�m pathetically plain,
I�ve heard it before, and to hear it once more . . .
I just can�t bear it again . . ."
-and-
"And the window between us a prison,
I never knew who on what side"

This didn't do it for me, sorry dirty. I just didn't get it. Good try and cheers for stepping up to the plate. You are braver than I.

best to you-
Elizabeth

( Posted by: emaks [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

Geepers , creepers
Sounds like the stalker, peeper got his comeupance...Kacee

( Posted by: nitz kitty [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

DOM'S Willy...
The first verse grabbed me instantly in easy chorus - total harmony with a delicious rhythm...but sadly it tripped me after that and once tripped I take a while to recover. The tale was great, but not quite a 10 :( Sorry.
Namaste, Tina

( Posted by: tinalouise [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

Well done, Dirty
i loved the poem - where do you come up with this stuff!! Oh, I don't want to know, I don't want to know!!!!!!!!

( Posted by: The demure 1 [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

The Dirty Old Man's at it again???
You have outdone yourself with perverse humor, of course. We would not have expected less - I agree the rhyme is a bit stilted but it still works. Evidently Willy is a bit off too - its a match. Good work!!

( Posted by: witchy woman [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

Sick Willy's lament.
Hi Dom

I like rhyming poetry but got a little lost with your meter and pattern. The verse is very funny though��

Eric xxx

( Posted by: Fairplay [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

Thanks all. . .
Gee thanks for all the votes! I have been away most of the weekend, Just got back today. I agree with you all it is a bit lagging, I didn't notice that Dareva had dropped out till late friday, and then I was off camping that night or I would have put on another one alltogether, I had most of it and would have just needed to do a bit more. who knows maybe it will pop up anyways! well it is still interesting to see how this one does... also thanks Viper for the friendly note.

( Posted by: dirtyoldman [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

I need more clues
Maybe I'm being dense on this one, but I just don't get the connection between the body of the piece and the title. I had an idea what I thought the poem was about, until I read the title. And then it made no sense to me. So I went back and tried five more times.

I don't always make sense in my work, either, so that's not a huge deal. There is some great word-work in here and some excellent imagery:

"And the window between us a prison,
I never knew who on what side,"

I don't know for sure if that's about a priest and a confessional, but that's how I see it and it works for me. The whole thing has a certain deep meaning to it for me... absent the title and the first two stanzas. I don't know if I need more or if it's just because my head's bugging me tonight.

Nice poem. Some good stuff in there. Perhaps this reader is just a bit dense this week... it's still pretty hot in Ohio ; )

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

Write-off (repeated both threads)
Have we yet been told the prompt for this write-off? It seems to me, between the two pieces, that it was something like the line from House of the Rising Sun about not doing "what I have done".

Viper's piece took me immediately to the core emotion of it, though an understanding of it took some time. It had a modulated ferociousness, like a '71 'Cuda cruising through town.

DOM's piece did not endear itself to me right away, but I "got it". Everything, the title and all, makes sense to me except the blade. I don't know what that is.

I've actually come to prefer the light-heartedness of the Sick Willy piece, and so will vote in some fashion to reflect such.

Great response to the challenge, it was. Thank you for doing it.

~ John

( Posted by: Flonigus [Member] On: August 13, 2006 )

Turn Musician
I liked this. Took me a read or two to get it, as most poetry does, but it was worth it. Plus the ending made me laugh.

( Posted by: bigyellowmonkey [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

Willie's Lament
Good Grief - I read all you people who don't get the poem and it's making me nuts. Willy is a peeping Tom; for Pete's sake, who falls out the tree and kills himself while lusting lustily. don't thank me, Dirty, it's just fine --- GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!

( Posted by: Witchy woman [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

Sick Willy's Lament, Dirtyoldman
The window between Willy and his desired one is a prison indeed. Poor Willy.

( Posted by: FelineWhip [Member] On: August 14, 2006 )

write off - DOM
Laughing my ass off, ok I read it as a voyeur looking at his obsession through a window! Poor man had to fall to his death! OH NO!

Thought the angle if I picked it out right was hilarious, and enjoyed the tease, but got tripped up a few times in the rhythm. That could just be me though. Enjoyed this very much, thank you so much for being a great sport and signing up for us to torture you!

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: August 14, 2006 )

Poor silly willy...
the goof missed his footing in all his excitement...

I agree that the rythym was trippy (is that a word?), but I gave you a 9 because you caused me to laugh at the silly bugger! :D

( Posted by: Cynical_Scribe [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

Willy willy
Through what channel of lunacy did you recieve the calling to write this:D
I sincerly liked the flow of this poem, because the rhyme scheme was "forced" i actually had to pay a lot of attention to it. Oh well, good luck with the write off!

( Posted by: Siah [Member] On: August 15, 2006 )

write off
I would have to give both poems with the same score of 10, I am sorry if this should spoil the fun and defeat the purpose of running at all a competition while someone's stubbornly voting for both contestants; but really, I couldn't decide which is the better piece between the two and I am afraid it's already Wednesday. Maybe, I'd really like to see both entries to win, because each one impressed me in different ways: Viper's with its dark might, and DOM's with its charming story of ludicrousness (clarification:it's not the poem that's ludicrous). Viper's take on the cue is like showing a window inside a window inside a window, that the reader could go astray from the subject 'window' and, however, still return to it unharmed by the wandering around. DOM used the subject wisely, mostly in the last part where the 'window' becomes something that separated them when it's supposed to be something that connects them as many windows are supposed to be.

The bottom line of this write-off is that everybody benefited... it's been a while since the last one, and I find myself always enjoying the read, the analyzing and commenting, brain-exercising and scoring, and later on comparing with other people's take on each poem, it's GREAT! Thanks that this thing is back!

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )

DirtyOldMan, truly good stuff!!
I have read a few of your things in Lit. This Write-Off is just another good example of your great mind.

The writing in both pieces is flawless. The ideas of your prompt being the same but such different and very interesting takes.

I do find some of your rhyme scheme threw me off a tad, with the first and final stanza's being different than the rest. I did find myself looking over it to find what I had misread, but I think that was my doing, looking for something that I didn't quite grasp.

I really wish there was a 9.5, for I would have rated you with that. I liked your version very much and the window prison.....really was a bright final mind-grasper. Thanks for sharing your brilliant mind with us again,

Darlene

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )

thanks for the comments.
wow! so much response for my little poem, though I agree I maybe could have worked on it a bit more... oh well it's good to see it doing as well as it is. thank you dareva and peterpaulino for your comments. and I agree completly vipers piece is well written too! it's a shame one of us has to lose! oh well...

( Posted by: dirtyoldman [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )

wicked
wicked funny. i think you are cute too.

( Posted by: tomasini [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )

d' poem
Nice and gentle rhyming. Nice how it rises and falls, but it seems like it was written very quickly, was it?

( Posted by: LovesEssence [Member] On: August 16, 2006 )

IMPORTANT - write off
REMINDER: You must vote on both pieces for your vote to count. If you only vote on one piece your vote will be deleted.

Thank you.

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: August 16, 2006 )

Dirty,Dirty,Dirty
I thought this work was funny. And I laughed. After that, I looked at structure. I thought the first stanza was perfect. Perfect. Scans like a ditty. After that, it falls off the wagon a little, then a little more. With these contests, a certain amount of pressure is applied, on oneself. Sometimes,(almost always) there is reaching and straining for the right words, the best meanings, hidden meanings, and rhythms and alliteration and assonance. It is difficult to do on a ticking timeline against good competitors. While this is certainly a good poem, it has several weaknessess. They are not crippling weaknesses, but they slow it down in this particular competition. The hard part here is when you take a line to a destination, the next line sometimes isn't on the same road wordwise. It struggles to come up with the proper words to get it there, and because the right words in the right sequence wasn't used, it flattens out the rhythm. It was and IS funny, and serious effort was applied, but it was not enough to carry the day,IMHO.

wh

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: August 17, 2006 )

Let's not be disingenuous
You know what I'm talking about, Lil. Cut it out.

( Posted by: viper9 [Moderator] On: August 17, 2006 )

Choices

Speaking for most of us, and you know most of us pretty well, Viper9...
When given a choice, most of us, most of the time, prefer something funny over something serious.

( Posted by: FelineWhip [Member] On: August 17, 2006 )

DOM Takes the Gold!
Well, the voting deadline has come and gone, and Dirty Old Man has taken the gold! Congrats to him on a job well done, for taking a seemingly innocuous prompt and turning it into something weird and perverted, and funny as hell.

Hat's off to you, buddy!

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: August 18, 2006 )

deserve your 10s DOM
You are funny and you deserve the scores you got from us.

( Posted by: FelineWhip [Member] On: August 18, 2006 )

DOM and the writeoff
Thank you Viper and dirtyoldman for participating in the write off. You both did an excellent job with your writings.

Best to you both,
Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: August 18, 2006 )

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