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My heart beat plays
With the steams of whistles
They grow into one tambourine
And play their steady beat all day.
My life is vortexing into my soul
Due to devouring holes from thistles
They show hunger whith their tambourine
And play a tune as thunder rolls.
Darkness lights up electric bolts
Running in the sky of my chest
There I stood in front of a tambourine
And wept all night into deep rest.
Tightly does the drum show jolts
Reverberating in Aurora Borealis
They darken a smile in my tambourine
And strike with sparkled neon volts.
My heart beat played
With the steams of whistles
They grow into one tambourine
And play the night away.


------
Kellie Lachata


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Comments

The following comments are for "Oliver Gray's Heartbeat"
by ducktape

Great handle
I love your online handle by the way: as an old mechanic I can tell 1000 ways to use ducktape (ductape?) leagally.

So, this poem is really a venture into the drudgery of everyday existence - and yet it continues and carries forward just as we must do to get through the day, the week, the month, the year.

It is a very mature poem -- great work. I love some of the simile:

My heart beat plays
With the steams of whistles

this is a great start, it really sets the pace, the mood, is the whole enchilada in just two lines. (I love the title too).


Darkness lights up electric bolts
Running in the sky of my chest

again, a very mature notion; it speaks to me of the anxiety we must deal with from time to time -- feels like lighten bolts in my chest, yes.

I especially like how you've brought it around full circle to have it wind down with the same thought as it began with.

If I may, only one small suggestion: I think it would work well with more of a cadence. If you broke it up into four line stanzas I think it will really sing then.

Great job

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: September 7, 2006 )





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