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down on my knees
confess to you
more than to a father
i see your eyes
searching for some heart
maybe we will cry
for no useless reason

you, my sweet surrender,
liberate me
in your angelical presence
'cause, for once
i matter to someone
there's no unrequited love
we live one emotion

we drink rose
in hollow glasses
toast in soft voices
what secrets we share
dream clouds and
tofu-white snow

i compose
for an imagined you
my created ideal
it makes life
worth so much
and one word
shared in silence
stirs my soul

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The following comments are for "confess you"
by tkal317

confess you
there are so many great love poem lines in this, I found myself mentally picking them out and putting them together in a separate poem (sorry): "maybe we will cry/for no useless reason/ there's no unrequited love/ we live one emotion/we drink rose/ in hollow glasses/and one word/ shared in silence/ stirs my soul" For me just those lines would have worked just as well but I know that would be missing the point completely, I just love those lines.

The last stanza, composing a created ideal for an imagined "you" throws the rest of the poem and it's dreamy romantic melancholy in to doubt. You're left (or I am at any rate) with a sense that reality might not be quite so beautiful. Emotionally and poetically that works, but it did kind of burst my bubble. Maybe I'm reading too much in to it?

The lines "sweet surrender" and "angelical presence" I didn't like so much. I felt they didn't have the originality of the others, they were images I felt I'd seen before. But feel free to ignore mt advice at will. I'm none too bright and I have a history of missing the point. I really did like this one.


( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: August 7, 2006 )

Thanks very much for commenting. I see your points. I felt the last stanza didn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. And yes, some phrases are very trite and cliche. Should look for more originality. Maybe I should quit writing about love. But that's up to my heart. But your advice is golden and will make sure to follow up on it. Thanks again for commenting.


( Posted by: tkal317 [Member] On: August 7, 2006 )

Sami, By all means don't stop writing love poems. This had so many wonderful lines in it. I will look forward to reading what is yet to come. Write on!


( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: August 7, 2006 )

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