Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

down on my knees
confess to you
more than to a father
i see your eyes
searching for some heart
maybe we will cry
for no useless reason

you, my sweet surrender,
liberate me
in your angelical presence
'cause, for once
i matter to someone
there's no unrequited love
we live one emotion

we drink rose
in hollow glasses
toast in soft voices
what secrets we share
dream clouds and
tofu-white snow

i compose
for an imagined you
my created ideal
it makes life
worth so much
and one word
shared in silence
stirs my soul



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "confess you"
by tkal317

confess you
there are so many great love poem lines in this, I found myself mentally picking them out and putting them together in a separate poem (sorry): "maybe we will cry/for no useless reason/ there's no unrequited love/ we live one emotion/we drink rose/ in hollow glasses/and one word/ shared in silence/ stirs my soul" For me just those lines would have worked just as well but I know that would be missing the point completely, I just love those lines.

The last stanza, composing a created ideal for an imagined "you" throws the rest of the poem and it's dreamy romantic melancholy in to doubt. You're left (or I am at any rate) with a sense that reality might not be quite so beautiful. Emotionally and poetically that works, but it did kind of burst my bubble. Maybe I'm reading too much in to it?

The lines "sweet surrender" and "angelical presence" I didn't like so much. I felt they didn't have the originality of the others, they were images I felt I'd seen before. But feel free to ignore mt advice at will. I'm none too bright and I have a history of missing the point. I really did like this one.

Shannon.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: August 7, 2006 )

shannon
Thanks very much for commenting. I see your points. I felt the last stanza didn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. And yes, some phrases are very trite and cliche. Should look for more originality. Maybe I should quit writing about love. But that's up to my heart. But your advice is golden and will make sure to follow up on it. Thanks again for commenting.

sami

( Posted by: tkal317 [Member] On: August 7, 2006 )

Confess
Sami, By all means don't stop writing love poems. This had so many wonderful lines in it. I will look forward to reading what is yet to come. Write on!

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: August 7, 2006 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: