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Well, well, well. The rug has been pulled out from underneath my feet. I am so shocked. I can't believe that a person I thought was just about the greatest thing in the world did a complete one eighty in personality since the day I met him.
I mean some would probably say that it shouldn't matter to me at all that a person I was 'dating/seeing' decided to drop me off a cliff (for lack of a better phrase) emotionally (or something like that), and it seems that person doesn't ever want to hear from me again.
But here's the thing, we decided to be friends from then on, like before.

And then I'm told not to contact him ever again. I'm not sure if those were his words or not, but I still would like to continue a friendship. It's not like I'm still in love, how could I love someone like that? I was completely snowed for ten months of my life. I have gotten over it, for the most part. Or perhaps my saying that is a sign that I'm in denial about being over the situation and I'm not smart enough to relise it?

But I know that I have moved on because I am currently persuing someone else. It may go good with him, it may not. I'm not using the words 'I, love, and you', ever again in the same sentence. I am done with falling in love. It is stupid, it isn't a sunset, it isn't a warm happiness. It is a picutre painted on the silver screen, it is an overheated tumor in my chest. Tha's all that it is and I was completely stupid to think I could be in love. I am only fifteen for peat's sake!

It really doesn't bother me that I was robbed because looking back on it, it seems more like a dream than reality. But the proof is there, so I know it wasn't a dream. I can't really say I've moved on, can I?

I'm still bitter about it, bitter about a lot of things to be truthfull. But I can say that I've lost faith in people. I can trust my best friends, but that must be all. If anyone ever comes up to me with words I take as sincere, I will remember this event and throw a cold glass of water in their face and walk off.
There isn't any reason for sincerety in this world, unless you are dumb enough to think there is.

There really isn't anything good in this world, and I should just quit looking for it.

------
Mad monkey fling poo!


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The following comments are for "blowing raspberries"
by SingChi

SingChi, blowing raspberries
there's this line in the film Nadja where the vampire Nadja played by Elina Löwensohn says about young people that she thinks they know "just about everything" but that "they can't defend themselves against what they know". For some reason reading this reminded me of that, seemed apt. "I was completely stupid to think I could be in love. I am only fifteen for peat's sake!" Just because you're young that doesn't mean you should discount or take for granted the validity or intensity of your feeling. You obviously have a powerful emotional capacity, feel deeply and need to give yourself time to heal. There are decent people out there, not many, I'll grant you, and I don't necessarily count myself amongst them, but they do exist, I've been fortunate enough to meet some, and in my experience they usually turn up in the most unlikely of places and where you least expect it. Chi, you're pretty lucky, you have a creative outlet for your emotions. That’s more than a lot of people have. And the only advice I can really give you is to channel all the bitterness and pain you’re feeling in to writing and similar creative pursuits and not waste it in self-destructive brooding. Don’t cut yourself off from people because you’ve had a bad experience. It isn’t worth it. Just work through it, take things slowly And give yourself time. Also, blow some raspberries if you want to, that helps as well. Feel better Chi,

Shannon

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: July 17, 2006 )

reply
So are you saying that my feeling could ave been what an older person would call love as well? Is it just me or are all girls like this when it comes to getting over something like this? I thought that this person was one of those 'decent people', but I guess not. Why do people change so fast and do what they do? I bet some one way up there is laughing at me.

( Posted by: SingChi [Member] On: July 17, 2006 )

reply to the reply
Well… I don't think that's what I'm saying. Not exactly What I'm saying is don't sell yourself and your feelings short because in my experience people feel less love less keenly and less profoundly the older they get. Not the other way around. What I'm saying is you never feel so intensely and have the opportunity to experience
so intensely as when you're young and if you give up on feeling and resign yourself to bitterness now you'll miss out on so much. Young people are always wiser and deeper than they give themselves credit for. I reckon anyway. My brother Jacky is the smartest person I know and he's only just turned sixteen.

As to why people do the things they do and are the way they are, I just don't know. I don't even know why I am the way I am and that gives me as much grief as anything else. I do know we make mistakes because we're human. And however bad this guy made you feel, I can guarantee someone at some point will be making him feel just the same way, and in your life you'll probably end up hurting someone somewhere along the line too. Not because you're a bad person, just one of the occupational hazards of being human, goes with the territory. Has that helped? I’m guessing not. I shouldn't be giving advice to anyone really Chi. I’m terrible at it, and such an emotional wreck generally that I feel like bells should be ringing and a big neon sign flashing and a siren wailing and subtitles popping up going: Hypocrite! Hypocrite! Hypocrite! As I write this. But there you go. Like I said before you’ll probably feel angry and shitty and bewildered for a while yet. That’s good, we feel this shit so we know what the good stuff is when it comes along, and to remind us that we’re alive in the mean-time. It’s shite that the world has to be this way, that people seem to have a natural knack for hurting each other, but that’s the way it mapped out in the grand scheme of things. And if someone up there’s laughing at you then he/she/it is laughing at all of us, we’ve all been hurt, we’ve all been fooled, we’ve all been scarred. But we’re still here. Some of us offering hackneyed half-cut advice at one in the morning. Peace Chi

Shannon.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: July 17, 2006 )

i know of good things...
Screw my talent! All I want is for my heart to grow new skin and stop bleeding. Then I'll use my talent. If young people are wise as you say, why is always old people in movies saying the wise stuff while the teen is portrayed as hotheaded and ignorant?

What I meant, Rogan was sincerity as in letting someone know you like them, stuff like the begining of a relationship. I meant if the person I'm persuing said 'i truly like you' and it showed in his face, I would have to turn away. Because I believe a person won't actually do that and mean it 100%.

I'm not even sure what makes me happy right now, my life is stale, so to speak. But my tarot cards say I'll meet new people soon, so something good may come up. Or I may just get a total repeat.

And AuldMiseryGuts, you say that someone 'good' will turn up unexpectantly. This person at first came up totally unexpected, but is that how everyone does come about?

( Posted by: SingChi [Member] On: July 17, 2006 )

Chi, "words of wisdom" #3
Chi, in answer to your question: movies don't accurately portray the wisdom of youth for much the same reason as they don't cast spud-ugly Irish bastards such as myself as Romantic leads, or why no one ever has terrible teeth, and women don't take off their precision-perfect make up in bed. Because, for the most part, films- wonderful though many of them are- are a pale simulacrum of (and no substitute for) real-life. Also, most films are made by adults for adults. A lot of whom don't even remember what it was like to be a teenager.

As to wishing and waiting for your heart to grow a new skin. Yeah, we all know THAT feeling. And like I said, it takes time, don't rush it. Feeling low there'll be days all you want to do is cry. That's fine, no one's telling you to "cheer up" and stop moping. Sometimes a good wallow in your misery can be pretty cathartic. All I'm saying is don't let this one experience colour the rest of your life. Because it's long. Really, really, really long. And it'll be really, really, really empty and really, really, really dull too if you abandon all hope now. What happened to you is painful but THAT would be tragic. If you get my point?

Lastly, yeah, you're absolutely right, bad people appear from nowhere as if by magic too and most times there is absolutely no way to tell which is which. It's your choice, take a chance on something beautiful and worth while, build your experiences and risk getting your fingers burnt, or steer clear of all potentially hurtful encounters (which let's face it is pretty much all of them) just in case. I don't believe you're going to shut yourself off forever, I'm just here to remind you that when you emerge from your dark tower then there's a world worth rejoining on the other side. Hang in there

Shannon

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: July 18, 2006 )





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