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A Nighttime Reflection

We smile nervously
Make those odd little sighs that people do to fill silence
I comment on your socks
I feel like an idiot

I stumble across my sentences
You donít
You say we should set a date for coffee
I wonder if you mean it

You struggle with your roller blades
I consider kneeling down to help
I make a crack about a shoehorn instead
What the fuck am I thinking?

I hope you see the affection in my eyes
Cause I havenít really let on yet
How much youíve really got to me
How you fry my brain like bacon

Itís pretty late by now
I say you should maybe call
Let me know you got home safe
I sound like my damn mother

We dance around each otherís eyes for a moment
Then you leave
The warmth flows out of the house with you
I shut the door and lock it

I rejoin the party around the fire
I make my usual comments
Be my usual fool
But Iím gone with you

Where weíre apart, Iím lonely
When weíre together, Iím nervous
Youíve made me a better man
Youíve brought me all the way down

The party winds down
Weíre all our own islands of thought now
I find you floating in my head
The comet in my mind tonight

Always there
At the edge of everything I do
Like storm clouds on the horizon
You linger awhile, then Iím gone

Chris Gibson

Nuevo Ishmeal Gallus (CG)

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The following comments are for "Nighttime Reflections"
by Gallus

Sounds like real love
I really loved reading this. You took me into your mind and I felt the love. Sneak peeks like this always make me feel like writing, wish I was inspired right now. Great job.


( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: June 28, 2006 )

Islands of thought
There's a really appealing self-depracating sincerity in this. The angsty stream-of-thought-y style doesn't drag at all, and the genuine feeling behind the words makes lines which could seem cheesy (e.g. 'I find you floating in my head/The comet in my mind tonight') sound simply sweet. I don't think I'll pick holes in this - it's like some fondly-remembered teenage party, and I feel young and inept all over again :)

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: June 28, 2006 )

It's tragic but beautiful. My heart goes out to you!! Love it!

( Posted by: Jenninite [Member] On: July 10, 2006 )

Nicely done
There's some very good stuff in here. The repetitive meter is managed with grace; it gives a good, solid feeling of up.... then down at the end of each stanza, which fits with the theme.

There are also some very nice/witty word choices. I especially like, "You linger awhile, then I'm gone." That's super.

I don't, however, think you need this entire stanza:

Where weíre apart, Iím lonely
When weíre together, Iím nervous
Youíve made me a better man
Youíve brought me all the way down

It's implicit in the whole rest of the piece, and by the time we've arrived at that stanza, we know it all very well from what you've already given us. It also breaks up the party description, which is real-life detail, and therefore generally stronger than internal monologue.

Good stuff. I enjoyed it.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: July 10, 2006 )

Thanks all
I should be getting some stuff up soon, had to take a few months to work out the cork in my thought bottle... if that makes any sense.

( Posted by: Gallus [Member] On: December 23, 2006 )

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