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The Gods Breathed Deeply

Long ago, in a time before time, a goddess appeared. She was the first life form, the first to think and breath. With her gift of life, she created a mate, the first male god. Together they created the universe, and all that flourished in it. Each selected a world to create upon. The Great Goddess took it upon herself to claim a green planet, one already in the process of creating life. The Great God, with his mighty strength and stamina, took a planet that had been freshly created by a supernova, its surface covered in vast volcanic fields, the sky layered with elemental gases.

Thousands of years swept by the ancient lovers. The Great Goddess, called Aedrieth by her followers, had created several other gods to help her bring life unto the planet. Kreagu, goddess of the far north, hunting and wolves, lent he talents to he creator by allowing the early humans to worship her powers of the hunt. Gondail and Greand were twins, both in an eternal vie for their creators love, yet both loving each other immensely. Gondail, the god of longevity and stamina, was created to teach mortal man and animal how to survive in times of hardship, Greand, Gondail’s twin sister, was goddess of law and truth. She was assigned to teach all mortals the way of the gods, how to live in peace and harmony.

Shanain, the god of fire and the forge, war and weapons, taught early man how to harness fire. Eventually he taught the humans mortals how to forge and mine iron and steel. He was the source of the original hate, the leader of the very first war. Long had he been at odds with his brothers and sisters, yet Aedrieth did not recognize his growing hate and malice. Before she could stop him, Shanain had passed his hate among the mortal humans, cursing them forever with his gift. Long after, Aedrieth warily trusted any of her creations, except for her lover, Goud Salra.

After many millennia, Goud Salra came back to his creator, empty handed, unsuccessful. The dead planet he had attempted to sow life upon was too unstable, too early in its own stages of beginning. As he hung his head in misery for failing his love, he saw haw she had created new gods. It was as if she had moved on without him, and he became angry. Goud Salra plotted angrily behind Aedrieth’s back; the first of her new creations to fall into his grasp was Shanain. He gladly offered his services to the much older and wiser Great God.

One by one, they all fell into the reasoning of Goud Salra, his bribes and lies sinking into their minds until he had them wrapped about his hands. Aedreith had some idea of what was going to happen, she had noticed strangeness in her lover’s manner the moment he came back form his long isolation. Long hours spent mulling over what was brewing around her did not comfort Aedreith at all. Already she sensed a shadow growing amongst her godly creations. Her love for all of them never wavered once; she would never be able to hate any of her creations.

As Goud Salra’s plans came close to completion, his nerves began to weaken. What would happen if they succeeded in locking away Aedrieth, what would become of them? Mustering up all the mettle in his mind, he decided to execute the plan. It was to lure the Great Goddess into the third plane, the spirit plane. Aedrieth would most likely answer the distress signal of life, trapped in the world of the dead. The five gods found a soul as black as their own minds, tempting him with pleasures of the flesh and mounds upon mounds of gold and silver. His greedy ways could not pass this opportunity up, and who was he to oppose the gods? When the traitorous gods had thrown him into the realm of the dead, they stood upon the threshold of life and death, waiting for Aedrieth to come to the greedy man’s call.

Sure enough, she came rushing to the man’s aid. The group of gods all smiled to each other. Grabbing the edges of reality, they pulled the entrance to the plain of the dead close. The shock on Aedrieth’s ethereal face was more of a sad realization than anything else. Goud Salra laughed at her expression. Before the plane was closed off entirely, the trapped goddess laid out her last words.
“ This will be the last we meet, my love. Until the one of shadow and light shall free me, you may rule this universe. I dare say you will have a rather difficult time of it. When I am free, some of you may be punished for what you have done to me, and what you will do to others. Love can be violent as well as gentle, my children,”

They closed the gap, and left for the plane of life, all rather shaken up by their creators last spoken words. Goud Salra was not deterred by his lovers’ strange words. He was to rule all that she had created, with his laws in mind. It would be a new dawn that rose when the world turned upon its axis.

Ye of wary heart and loose of tongue, ye shall be destroyed in the coming storm.

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The following comments are for "The Gods Breathed Deeply"
by usukae89

just a comment....
Hey it was amazing, sure it took me awhile but I have it now. The symbolism is impeckable! I give it a two thumbs up! Your story will go down in my history books! May the force be with you!

( Posted by: usukae89 [Member] On: June 14, 2006 )

A Reaction
This story ought to be published. It was that good. is a site that you can find a market listing for this story. You ought to given them a try. Contact me privately if you can't find it.

( Posted by: USGlen [Member] On: June 16, 2006 )

Good Writing
This is a classic theme, and used very well. I think there are some things you could change to pick the pace up in a few places -- there are some passive areas that slow it down and detract from the power that should be evident. Eample: "The Great Goddess took it upon herself to claim a green planet, one already in the process of creating life."

I would introduce the two main characters in the first paragraph, and the passage becomes passive after the comma. Something like: "The Goddess, Aedrieth claimed a green planet, already formed with life." Remove the "took it upon herself" and "in the process of" -- those sections are a bit wordy and passive.

Another example: the passage "One by one, they all fell into the reasoning of Goud Salra, his bribes and lies sinking into their minds until he had them wrapped about his hands."

It is overall very "soft" wording, I think you have used too many words to say what you want to say. Something like: "One by one Goud Salra reasoned with the new gods, and bribed them with lies and temptation until he controlled their thoughts."

Just a suggestion, but I find that whenever I use words that end in "ing" I look twice because it is easy to slip into passive voice and that is one hint -- usually those words are preceded with variations of the "to be" verb (had been, was). In most cases if you rewrite the "ing" words and make them "ed" (active past tense) it will improve the action, which will increase the pace and bring the reader into the story even more.

Hope this is helpful. I am by no means an expert, but someone who is taught me about the "ing" phrases a long time ago and it seems "to be" a pretty accurate gauge to use.


( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: June 18, 2006 )

Good read!
Excellent plot, vivid desciptions, overall a great read. Keep it up! -Paris

( Posted by: DannyParis [Member] On: July 10, 2006 )

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