I'm marie. i'm a couch potato and a house girl. i grew aloof of the people around me specially the opposite gender. but i had a cousin that i call bro. i asked him to be my so-called brother and in return he considered me as his sister. but i didn't know that beyond our closeness, there was something.
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It was Friday. June 24, 2005. My grandmother's birthday. I was quiet, timid and bored. talking to one of my cousins took a bit of my boredom away. but when i saw bro coming, i felt my mood change into excitement and joy. I turned my back when i noticed his sight running through the part of the room where i was sitting. i waited for him to come and initiate the conversation. I kept my cool when i felt his thighs beside mine as he fixed himself comfortably on the chair.
"hi!" he greeted casually.
"hello!" i replied coyly, not looking at his eyes.
we talked all night and seemed like foolish kids smiling in shyness cause our friends are teasing us when our aunt told us that we act like "sweethearts." as midnight came, i just lied on the couch with my head on his lap. we were comfortable enjoying the night despite our endless timidity. But mom came and saw us, so we nervously sat straightly and continued talking.
Sunday, mom and I needed to come back to our house for school and work. He was the one I was alwyas looking forward to seeing all week. I was so excited to see him on Friday. And when I saw him, I felt like everything vanished with just a treak of lightning.
"I'm only happy when you're around." he told me.
i smiled and realized, i feel the same way with him.
The next day, i'm quite having an intuition that it would be a lonely day since he needs to go to his dad's hometown. BUt he begged me to come with a pitiful look on his face. So I agreed. We were together at the van. I rested my head on his shoulders as I began to sleep, while he dabbed my head when he rested his skull on mine. When we woke up, he placed his hands on my upper limb and i felt him warmth against my skin.
Being at their place was boring. we didn't know, though, that we will take away boredom with our silliness. we found ourselves playing with each other's hands and touching every part of our every finger. His mom suddenly called him and when he came back i saw the shift in his mood.
"what happened?" i asked pretentiously. i had a hunch of what it is.
he shook his head.
after a few more questions, i stopped. i guess i'm really right.
before going home, he answered. "mom said you're my cousin so we shouldn't hold hands."
i was right.
on the way home, we neglected the utterances. we held each other's contrasting temperature and got an equal amount of heat and coldness after a while.
"you are cold." he whispered.
"and you're warm." i said in return.
as we arrive, tension arouse and i knew that my mom would know what happened. nevertheless, i was prepared. i denied that i like him. i said it was just silly. but it was not.
the following day was horrible. I wanted to terminate the ticking of the clock and the motion of everyone. but i can't. when we stopped at the mall to eat, i can't help but think that it would be the last day. i can only cry and cry and cry unstoppably. i wish he knew that every tear was dedicated to him and i don't regret shedding all of them. when they dropped us at home and waved goodbye, i didn't think of the redneess of my eye nor my difficulty in breathing, instead i just felt the mere emotion dominating in my heart. Sadness. i never wanted to be away from him again. I wish I could get myself inside his bag and go with him anywhere. it seemed like a missing part of me flaunted itself infront of me and somehow completed who i am. but when he left, it's like i'm totally incomplete. i needed to be in a sudden comeback to my ordinary life.
when he got to arrive at his house, we communicated each and everyday. spent most of our time relaying what we've done. even until the arrival of his school days, we managed to talk.
until the time that he grew idle of waking up and going home early.
"i hate waiting. specially when it's for nothing. and i look like an idiot." i was mad saying that.
"i'm sorry. i really forgot." yeah right.
there were numerous madness and forgiveness that passed until i was out of my temper. i started ignoring him.
"i'm sorry that i kept you waiting.....i don't want us to be like this....i haven't felt good since you got mad.... i don't know but i love you..." those were the words that seemed like a stamp with fixed ink.
i told him i love him... and i felt better.
soon after, i saw a picture of him with a girl posted on his site. i guessed that it was a friend. and on my part, it was an odd thing to know that i'm crushing on the new guy at school. i told him about the guy, and he was pretty cool. he even asked me, "are you gonna have him as a boyfrien if he asks you to?"
and i was comfortable answering 'of course, he's my crush." i contained him as merely a crush. but bro took it the other way. he thought that hearing from me that the girl was ok, means that it's ok for us to part. but it was not.
he learned that i was saddened and he read my poems about it. and he told me that "i asked you and you said that it was ok so i went on. you'll find your guy in time." i felt abandoned and left behind. like a child left by his mom at an orphanage. more than that. coz i thought what he asked was if it was ok for him to have a new girl friend.
i was devastated. broken. and like a glass, it can never be the same glass again. even if you'll bring it back together, the cracks will always be visible. like how my happiness can never replcae the vestige of sadness and pain that he caused me. my eyes would do the crying in the darkness, and when the light comes, my heart needs to do the cover-up. until all saint's day, i found a soul to witness me cry. it pretty much helped to alleviate the pain. but it didn't take it away.
new year's day has come but moving on was still a very challenging task to do. and one day, we had a chance to talk.
"it's weird but whenever i think of her, i see your face on my mind." he confessed.
i didn't know what was better. to be happy, knowing he's still thinking of me. or be hard-hearted and careful to expect so much that the past would relive. and i was wrong with what i picked. i expected too much. and it led me to dismay. i was appalled by the days to come. he totally avoided me. and i tried to do the same. i was fighting the urge to initiate a petty talk with him believing that somehow we could be friends. he left me ruined. and i suppose he's gonna come back and see the same destruction he caused.
until now i cry. i wanted to regret being so close to him and gradually being in love with him. but i can't. coz it won't help be feel better. it will make me be worse. i know i shouldn't be sorry for loving him. instead for loving him too much and erasing the fact that we will not end up with each other. waking up everyday far earlier than the usual, and going home so enthusiastically, were the things i got used to. fortunately, i got used to do the contrary. with time.
we had a lot of ups and down. issues that were easily discussed. looking forward to talking to each other. hearing our voices every morning and sharing our day to day activities and enjoying each other's company despite the hindrance of our locations.
i loved him all along even when we were still young. i just haven't realized till we matured. and we did it grew more. it seemed like words can never be enough to say how much i love him. how much happiness he gave me when he came into my life and taught me how to love truly. and how much pain i need to feel to pay for the extreme joy. i'm still broken.
i hope someday i could live in an entirely new world. where my vision of a dream that once was so impossible, will all of a sudden be real.
u always hurt me, u always make me cry...
u turn my days into nights and shift into darkness the remaining light...
yesterday u just made my spirit so high...
but now u caused me to breakdown and cry...