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One pill makes you larger
and one pill leaves you small
and the ones you purchased online
don’t do anything at all.
Go Cyalis
and feel ten feet tall.

And if you go chasing pussycats
and you fear your rise may fall
take some Levitra or Viagra
and give your girl a call.
Go Cyalis
and have yourself a ball.

When your wife or your girlfriend
point and giggle at your woe,
the time’s ripe for priapism.
Enjoy four hours straight then oh…
Go ask doctor,
I think he’ll know.

When you swell out of proportion
and you fear you'll burst your head
like some mutant purple mushroom
and your partner flees the bed
remember what the warning said:
“Seek prompt med!”
“Seek prompt med!”

* * *



* * *
Note one and note too-

Note one: This is NOT based upon personal experience.

Note too: First listed result of Google definition search for priapism- titled “Go Ask Alice! : What is priapism?” Too good to be untrue!


"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."

- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins

Related Items


The following comments are for "Go Cyalis"
by drsoos

FANnnn-TAaaa-STICccc! You have me rolling (to coin a chat room cliche') on the floor laughing!

( Posted by: unseenwriterx [Member] On: May 26, 2006 )

Gross, funny -- it's all you, man.

( Posted by: viper9 [Member] On: May 26, 2006 )

soos - will brace you up
I loved this and couldn't read it without singing it through!

It made me think of an old newspaper ad we just reprinted in a historical publication for a pill that promised to "brace you up in a week" and to "prevent leakage for many" as well as "to cure impotence which can lead to insanity"

Fun read. Thanks - I enjoyed it

( Posted by: LadyMitulia [Member] On: May 27, 2006 )

ed and hair loss

I would have never thought of this. Don’t' forget hair loss. That's the other preoccupation that's being marketed towards "baby-boomer" men.

I bet you could come up with something totally scathingly sardonic.


( Posted by: macbeth [Member] On: May 27, 2006 )

Had To...
The Title hooked me, had to see if it was really the subject matter. Very funny, but then you asked, "What is priapism?" I found it nearly as funny, espeically the description of Priapus. From

Main Entry: pri·a·pism
Pronunciation: 'prI-&-"piz-&m
Function: noun
: an abnormal, more or less persistent, and often painful erection of the penis; especially : one caused by disease rather than sexual desire
Pri·a·pus /prI-'A-p&s/, Greek mythological character. A god of gardens and fertility, Priapus was the son of Aphrodite, who disowned him because he had a grotesque little body with a huge penis. He was a member of the retinue of the god Dionysus and chased after nymphs.



( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: May 27, 2006 )

Cyalis in Wonderland

I appreciate your firm support.

I suppose if I was suffering from both depression and priapism, being up would be one more thing to be down about.

I had a moment of density, wondering "Who's Ed?" I don't think I'll do hair loss, except for this stray follicle or two of folly-

When you won't go out 'cause your hairs' falling out- Rogaine

When you can't get a date 'cause of your bald pate- Rogaine


( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: May 27, 2006 )

Father's Little Helper
Father's Little Helper

What a drag it is getting old...
"Nights are different today,"
I hear ev'ry father say
Father needs something today to keep him up
And though he's not really ill
There's a little, peppy pill
He goes running for the shelter of a father's little helper
And it helps him on his way,
gets him up both night and day.

"Things are different today,"
I hear ev'ry father say
Being fresh dude for a wife is just a drag.
So to be instant beefcake
he becomes a rigid stake
And goes running for the shelter
of a father's little helper
And two help him on his way,
get him through his busy lay.

Doctor, please, some more of these
Outside the door,
he took four more
What a drag it is getting old.

"Gals just aren't the same today,"
I hear ev'ry father say
They just don't appreciate that you get tired
They're so hard to satisfy,
so medicate your Little Guy.
And go running for the shelter
of a father's little helper
And four help you through the night,
help to maximize your height.

Doctor,plese, some more of these
Outside the door, he took four more
What a drag it is getting old.

"Life's just much too hard today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say,
"The pursuit of rigidness just seems a bore."
And if you don't soon cut back,
your Wee Man will not relax.
No more running to the shelter
of a father's little helper
They just helped you on your way
through your priapastic day...

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: May 27, 2006 )

Take two...
...and enjoy the weekend.

Most excellent, Andy- and even of the same era.
But- You make this look too easy. Until now I may have had some believing I had a special talent. (I just reminded myself of another Steve and his film character's "special talent".)

Maybe you should address mechanical means of enhancement. Elvis Costello's "Pump It Up" comes to mind.

If you would rather stick with Stones, "Sticky Fingers" may inspire.

Thanks for reading, commenting, and playing along. You're a swell guy.


( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: May 29, 2006 )

An organist's compliment
A "swell guy." Nice to know.

Two of the most used stops on an organ are "great" and "swell."

Q: Why did you name your puppy Liberace?
A: 'Cause he's the pianist dog we've ever had!

This form of song modification something I've been doing since college; "alternate lyricism." One of the writing exercises we'd perform as part of our ongoing mental (or pseudo-mental) calisthenics was to take the names of well known songs and write them on little slips of colored paper (let's say blue for today), and then take subjects -- like communisim, dentistry, snacking, first dates... whatever -- and write those on little slips of other-colored paper. Let's say yellow.

You then take one of each color and end up with a pair; a song and a subject. The goal of the exercise was to re-write the song's lyrics in a certain amount of time (usually 1-5 minutes), on the topic you picked. For example; "Nights in White Satin," and "Oral Hygeine." Go.

Lots of fun, and a way to really force your brain to do things you don't want it to do, which is good for poets and other unnatural creatures.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: May 29, 2006 )

Tom Waits for No One
Use BriteSmile tooth whitener
Put those stains to an end
Coffee you're drinking
isn't your smile's friend

Cigar you're smokin'
with a brown sticky end
leaves an impression
you'd rather not send

That's not way easy.

My own experience was less formal. Long before hearing of Wierd Al, whenever I was performing mundane tasks, at times with a similarly twisted co-worker, we (or I) would belt out twisted lyrics to pass the time and enjoy it.

I like to preserve as much of the original song as I can. If I can change just one word and twist the meaning- here's an example:

Don't let your son go down on me
Although I grope myself
It's always someone's son I see
(If only Jacko had done that song...)

Ok, more than one word- but first line one word change and one spelling change. That would be a good example of twisting whatever came on the radio. I try to have some relevance or topicality on what I post here- maybe even a point.

I probably put my rough version of "Go Cyalis" (I misspelled it but a high-priced lawyer would likely have advised me to do so anyway) in ten minutes or so but I put it away until a new idea popped up now and again (I got rid of 'gonads' but I worked in 'mutant purple mushroom' and maintained most of the same rhymes as the original tune. Enuff o dis-

I agree- It's good to make your brain do stuff it prefers to avoid. I want to get back to fiction but I don't have any good ideas. Then again, I didn't have much of an idea any other time I did fiction, I just found them as I went.
Did I have a point? one or two, and they're made.



( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: May 31, 2006 )

No good ideas for fiction?
You should visit !!!

Blatant promotion of another one of Andy's dumb-ass blogs!

Nothing but "blurbs" from the backs-of-books, waiting for someone to write the damned things.

Mmmmm.... now THAT'S blurberiffic!

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: June 1, 2006 )

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