I'm now moving from grieving for my mother to pondering Death. I touched her in the casket and I noticed the difference. Her body had changed from a person to an object. There was no missing it.
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It's not like I didn't expect that. The complete lack of response didn't surprise me, but now that I know that everything is over in this world for my mother, I'm facing mortality. Oh, shit. It's getting closer, a lot closer. I had a dark epiphany of sorts nearly nine years ago when my friend and fraternity brother Mark Groner was killed in a car accident and I attended his viewing, funeral and burial, and visited his grave several times afterward. However, Azriel is getting closer to the mark. I'm no different than anybody else, and for all the morbidity that characterized me in the past, I still can't take my mind off the concept of 'what happens next?'.
I felt like she was there that night, but perhaps she has moved on to that Different Place, that Uptown. After all, why would she want to hang around down here? This game sucks out of the box, so why stick around once you've stopped passing Go?
My sister has had an experience of my mother communicating with her. She got a call from my mother's cellphone, but my mother's cellphone, which we later checked, had no outgoing call for my sister. The priest had prayed at the viewing to God to allow my mother to connect with my sister, and to make it evident that she was doing so. Well, it happened, and I'm convinced that it did. It happened that night. She dialed in to my sister from Someplace Else.
Am I going to get a phone call? I have a feeling that my mother may deny me the experience of this phenomenon because of my 'apostate' relationship to the Catholic Church. She died believing erroneously that I had said that I would return to the RCC. I did not say this to her, and I cannot participate in it. I don't have any desire to return to it, and I lack respect for it, for important reasons. I also see the American and World RCC swinging to the Right, and that's no place for me. I also don't think it's where Jesus is found, for all that He said He represented. So...
I figure in time, my mother may contact me. If she does not, she will probably contact my sister again and I will learn of that experience and take heart from it. I can't force her to do it. Besides, I've seen enough proof to know that she still exists beyond this place. I'm sure she hasn't forgotten me.