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in loving you
I find my purpose

to please you...

the mood of each day
each moment, in each day

set by the tone you take
in talking to me...

are we happy now?

or am I

anxious / nervous / scared
for you / with you / by you

I don't know how to be

I only know that I can't be

without you

------
Robert

(Whatever you think about the writing, whatever you do, PLEASE take the time to comment. I'm looking for constructive critism; blocks upon which I can build. THANKS!!! rajengineer)


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The following comments are for "Loving With Purpose"
by rajengineer

Comment on Loving With Purpose
I'm interested in knowing how this comes across; is it happy, sad, tragic, twist...?

I'd also like to know if the slashes work/don't work - and how you're reading that little stanza (across, or in blocks broken up by the slashes) and if you've tried it both ways, which way looks better?

( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

re: tap's comment on Purpose
yeah, I see what you mean... by changing some of the adjectives to be more positive, it does change the tone of the poem.

As it reads now, to me it sounded a little ominous - almost like a battered/suffering spouse (so much of what I think about myself depends on how you see me/treat me etc...)

not actually battered; more like, suffering with low self-esteem, and needed to please someone else for validation - and that someone else taking advantage of that low self-esteem, and venting/lashing out at the person nearest to him/her.

After having penned it (spur of the moment as Macbeth would say), I started to worry that it too dark.

I'm going to play with the more positive adjectives, and if I come up with something good/interesting, maybe I'll update and repost.

Thanks for your comments... :-)

( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

re: Purpose/GSP
okay... I'm thinking that GSP might be an acronym for a breed of dog... is it?

if so, then that's an entirely different interpretation, and I love it... :-)

( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

Slash me,
Hi Raj, I have never found the slash technique to be useful to me, I am so old-school I guess, using periods, etc.

Dar -----> ,.:;().... plain ol' Dar LOL.

I really liked this poem the way you wrote it because it left room for any person, pets as well, love is amazing subjects, thanks for sharing this.

Darlene

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

purpose


I enjoyed your poem because it says much truth about human nature.

I loathe it when people call this feeling of needing another person “co-dependency”.

I say screw them.

One needs to feel in order thrive; just as Dareva said it leaves it open to anything even death.

Peace

macbeth

( Posted by: macbeth [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

one fellow's long word's worth
I'm no poet, but from time to time I play one online. In my not formally /informally/ self semi-educated opinion...

I would replace the slashes with question marks and let it sit for a bit, then reconsider it.

I don't know if this is constructive, or a good idea, and it's not exactly criticism...

-but you asked for input and that's all I can offer.

s

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

loving with purpose
Windchime is right that this is primal and untidy as love is.
Don't change a thing. It works as it.

( Posted by: unseenwriterx [Member] On: May 19, 2006 )

re: unseenwriterx
I just logged on and I noticed unseenwritex and his comment. for any who hadn't noticed, he and Ihave been having a heated exchange about a serious issue on another posting. it can get rather testy at times.

anyway, knowing how strongly he and I disagree on this other issue, I was gratified to see that he read and commented on this - and I was really pleased that he liked it.

unseenwriterx, I don't know you well, but I know this: I appreciate your comments very much, and I have a great deal of respect for you. most people can't keep one issue from another, and remain objective like you did.

THANK YOU :-)

( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: May 20, 2006 )





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