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I have spent my life for others. Bleeding for a smile, starving for pleasure, depriving myself for the gain of a stranger. I have been trampled and labled, tortured and forgoten. Each new slight I have suffered, convincing myself that it is better to suffer then to watch another suffer. All my life has been spent in the shadows of others. I have gently pushed them to greater things, and have stood ready to die for there defence, putting myself last. My life has been an up-hill march, a fact I chose to ignore.
But now I have stepped from the shadows, I stand at the edge of a vast precipace. I peer down into the all consuming darkness. I see the threat of defeat, the fantist glimmer of success. A choice is now mine to make. I can risk pain such as even I have yet to experiance, jumping blindly into a seemingly bottomless pit, or I can sit in safety, forgoten amongst the shadows of greater men.
I am falling. Down I drift. All of my staples of life are removed, I fall alone. I am wraped in fear, yet held by pride. I cry out and there is no one. I am alone. Will I always be?

------
To live ones life free from the constraints of judgement is truely bliss.



Comments

The following comments are for "On the edge"
by crackpotpoet

on the edge
I liked it!!

There were a few misspelled words. There were also a couple of places where the phrasing seemed a bit off.

Here's the first:

"a fact THAT I chose to ignore" instead of "a fact I chose to ignore" (it just sounded awkward in my head)

Here's the second:

In the passage that reads,

"Bleeding for a smile, starving for pleasure..."

I know that you're talking about the smile of ANOTHER person, or starving for SOMEONE ELSE'S pleasure, but it not clearly stated. I don't think there's anything to be lost by being more clear, and there's alot to be gained.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. It's especially enjoyable to think about it as if it's being spoken to you, or read to you by someone with a British accent. Certain words and phrases just lend themselves more easily to certain accents and dialects. In this case, a british accent would serve to "soften" the words, making seem less complaining and more like a plea for some acknowledgement. A british accent makes it sound less harsh.

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your work.

( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: May 5, 2006 )

awsome
Well first off, I was experamenting with tones. Your right of course, I was attempting to bring about a lonely sensation. Like in sappy movies when the tragic hero gives a deep monolog. I am more of an angry strong writer, accept for when I am speaking of love or hope of course, and am unacustomed with blatent displays of sadness. I realize that I still have much to learn, thank you for the advice. I proof read this one many times, I am going to have to have one of my more intelligent friends proof for me.
I titled this comment "awsome" because of your british accent comment. I am actually proud to say I am nearly half British (although I have lived in America all my life), and as embarasing as this is to admit, I always try to read my poems in a British accent. I apreciate the effort you put into this critique.

( Posted by: crackpotpoet [Member] On: May 5, 2006 )

very deep
i liked it- sounds like you've had it hard and are a little bitter- time to let it go- life is too short- watch the spelling!

where is your family from? my entire family is British and I always like to hear from others who share our heritage

( Posted by: poetbythesea [Member] On: May 7, 2006 )

the edge


Aside from the little glitches here and there mentioned above, I think there is great potential. This is a monologue that has been recited over over by many of us in our heads when we have been martyrs and allowed ourselves to live for others. It is time to stop that and go for it, there is always someone else out there and the pit...my not go away, but won't be as bad.

Peace,

macbeth

( Posted by: macbeth [Member] On: May 10, 2006 )

good
I liked it and I am not just saying that. Someone once said that a man is not an adult until his father dies. Hopefully we do not need to wait that long. Deference is not always a sign of weakness. I can identify with what you write.

( Posted by: ppatt [Member] On: May 10, 2006 )

thanks
thank you for all of the support and critique, to a new writer, that means a lot.

( Posted by: crackpotpoet [Member] On: May 10, 2006 )





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