You must login to vote
Chapter One Ė The Diaries
I grew up in a normal home in a small town in Western Australia; I went to a public school just like everyone from a family with little wealth. Iím not saying my family had nothing, we had what a lot of other families in our town didnít have, We had love, it wasnít the kind of love a family is expected to have, we didnít love each other only when its relevant, just to show people we did, not our love, our love was the kind that never stopped, it never changed and it always felt to me like angels kisses, or what I imagined angel kisses to be.
In school I had a friend named Bethanie but I called her Annie, She never liked being called Bethanie, her parents called her that when they were mad and Beth when they werenít, but she didnít much care for them calling her anything at all. Annieís parents didnít love her right, I could never understand how it was her fault she was born a girl, but I didnít need to know, all I knew was Annie was my best friend and I had plenty enough love For her. Annie and I Did everything together, We sat together in class, played together at lunch break and when Annieís parents forgot to pick her up we would play on the oval together with my parents watching until Annieís remembered to come get her.
This was all while I was in grade one. At six years old there was already so much I didnít understand, like why some kids went to the big school and had lots of pretty clothes and toys I didnít even know the names of. Although I didnít understand it I never thought twice about wanting it, why should I when I had everything I needed in a small package, in my family and Annie.
I Remember the first time my father took me to see my grandmother, He told me on the bus ride over that my grandmother was sick but not sick like the flu, he said that a long time ago when he was a little boy something made my grandmothers mind sick, that she told stories about impossible things and her mind let her believe them, I know I was only six but I knew the look in my fathers eyes was of pain and pity and as the bus pulled up to the large white hospital the look deepened and he got extremely quiet.
We walked into the hospital and it was equally white inside and whispers came from every direction, the only proper words came from Father and the lady sitting at the front desk. After Father wrote in a book the lady gave him, he took my hand and we walked down a long hall, then threw a door and down an even longer hall, This one had doors all along it and people walking around that looked sad or afraid or both, Iím not so sure. When we got about half way down the hall father stopped us at a door and opened it slowly, a ladies voice told us to come inside and take a seat and thatís exactly what we did. Father introduced me to Grandmother and Grandmother to me, She spoke so softly and she didnít look sad or afraid, she looked comfortable and she had this twinkle in her eyes that reminded me of stars. Grandmother Gave me a notebook to draw or write in, she told me I would do with it what was right for me, and no one should ever tell me otherwise.
Father talked with Grandmother while I drew pictures for a while, then grandmother sent Father to get me a drink, While father was gone grandmother told me something that made no sense, she said that when I want the answers there is one place to look and several to remember, she also said that I was special and for me not to fight who I am when the time comes, to just look for the glitter. This is when father walked in, he seemed annoyed at grandmother but he just smiled and politely told her we had to leave for our bus, then we left. That was the first and for years the last time I saw grandmother.
It was when father and I got home that I got my first experience with loss, My mother looked so sad and there were other people from town all at our kitchen table, Father spoke with mother leaving me in the front room with Annie, I sat with her and we looked out the window into the street, neither of us spoke, we just watched the quiet street, the serenity of the night. I thought Annie was just tired so I asked her after a while what was wrong with everyone, she told me that her parents had done something very bad and got taken away by the police, I didnít think I needed to know anything more and Annie didnít want to tell either.
Father came back into the front room and sat next to me, he took my hand and told me that there had been an accident and Annie had been badly hurt, that she had gone away with the angels. I looked at father oddly and I was going to point out that Annie was just on the other side of me but Annie stopped me, she said she asked that angels to wait so she could say goodbye to me and thank me for being her best friend. I wasnít sure why I was okay with that, but Annie was my friend and it didnít much matter how she was, she would always be my friend, only now she was free. I looked up at Father and smiled then I told him she was happy now and the angels can love her like I do.
School was never the same after Annie left, I still enjoyed it but I spent my time writing or drawing in my notebook, I made a few pages that I filled with drawings and writings about Annie, that was my memories of her, I didnít want to forget her and this was my way of keeping her with me.
On the first anniversary of Annieís Death the whole town got together for some kind of remembrance, I refused to go, my mother asked me why and I told her strait out that this town can put on this display and say words about Annie but I wasnít going to be there for their lies, none of them ever cared to know Annie while she was alive, so this remembrance is nothing more than a show and I didnít need to wait a year to remember her, because I never stopped remembering.
Mother and Father still went and I stayed home, at the time I was happy for them to go and celebrate Annie in there own way, they unlike most of our town did know Annie and they loved her too, but about an hour after they left a feeling came over me, Iím not sure what it was or if I will ever be able to describe it but I did know it meant something was broken, Something insides of me burnt out and fear took its place. For a while I looked out the front window into the street, then I cleaned my room, then I wrote in my notebook, then I went back to the window again, I watched the sun disappear and the moon rise high. Mother and Father still hadnít returned, This wasnít normal so I decided to see if I could find them, I walked all the way from my house to my school, then from school I headed in the direction of the event hall, About half way there I stood on something, I looked down and by my foot was a little car fairy made from clay and colored with blue and pink glitter paint, I made it for Mother at Christmas. There was also a smell in the air, like when you throw a plastic bag into the barbeque. I looked around then I noticed that the railing on the side of the road was bent and part was missing, for a moment I was going to just keep walking strait to the hall without turning back, but somehow I knew that wasnít what I had to do, so I walked to the railing and I looked down, There I saw my parents car, I felt my whole stomach drop and I looked for a way to get to it. I found a path and ran down, I stopped partway when I found the teddy bear mother had given me for my last birthday, I also found mother, A site that would stay with me forever, She was broken, more broken then I had ever seen anything in my whole life, she was bent in ways people donít naturally bend and there was a puddle of blood that covered my whole feet. I sat down and I held Mothers hand, I told her that the Angels would look after her and I asked her to look after Annie now she was with her. For a moment my eyes were to wet to see but I blinked as fast as I could to stop it, I kissed mothers Cheek then I got up and walked over to the car, thatísí where father was, he was more broken than Mother, He was in both the back and the front of the car, but I wont go into details, no one needs to understand that. I didnít take my fathers hand like I had with mother, I couldnít see his hand but I still told him to look after Mother and Annie and not to be afraid. In a way I was glad the angels took them both, Mother and Father should never be apart, even in death.
I didnít know what to do now, I couldnít stop the tears and the blood covering my bottom and legs from sitting with mother was drying and starting to itch a lot. I looked back up at the road and saw light from a car passing, I ran back to mother and hugged her one last time then I ran as fast as I could back to the railing and I sat there crying and hoping someone would drive past and see me. A couple of cars did drive past but they were much to fast to see me. It didnít matter how long it took though, Mother and Father has already gone with the angels and the sun was coming back so it wouldnít take long before someone would see me, right at that moment I was still close to them.
Not long after the sun had filled the town with light someone finally saw me and stopped. It was the kind old man who owned the candy shop near my school, he jumped out of his car and grabbed me, he looked me over a lot, I think he was trying to find where I was hurt, where all the blood had come from, I didnít know why I didnít talk at first, Iím not even sure if I could but I finally spoke, I said the angels took Mother and Father then I pointed down to where they were, The kind old man put me in his car and then he grabbed his cell phone and rang for police and ambulance, I was sick then everything went black.
When I woke up I was in hospital, there was a police man talking to a doctor until he noticed I was awake, thatís when he came over, he introduced himself and asked me to tell him what I remembered. I told him the whole story and I think he was surprised that I wasnít with my parents at the time. I asked him what was going to happen to me now and if I could go home, thatís when he told me I wouldnít be going home, he said that someone has already picked up all my stuff and that I would be staying in a place called a group home. I didnít want to be in some group home, I wanted to be in my home, where my Mother and Father brought me up, where I felt safe but Mother taught me not to question why things happen, she said that sometimes we canít have everything we want, but if we canít have it then we never needed it to begin with. I just nodded and asked the police man how I was going to get to the group home, he told me a lady would come and get me soon. It was a few hours before the lady came, she seemed real nice; she smiled at the policeman as we left.
On the drive over to the group home I remember thinking that my town would probably be having some fake public show of emotion about my parents but it didnít matter, I wasnít even in that town anymore. The group home was in an even smaller town.
When we got there the lady opened the car door and pulled me out by the arm, she dragged me inside and put me in a small room barley big enough for the two beds in it, she told me I could only have two things from my house, that I had to earn the rest, This is when I realized the lady was putting on a show for the police man, and that I wasnít going to feel the same there, but I just nodded and I picked my notebook and a photo of mother and Father. She took the rest of my stuff and locked it away, then she came back to my room, she told me I must call her Mistress and never speak to her unless spoken to which was fine with me, Then she went through the house rules, no touching anything without permission, no yelling, screaming or talking loud, lights out at 8pm, wake up at 5am, do all given chores and stay on the second floor when not told otherwise. The second floor is where all the rooms are, all as small as mine, two girls in each. I didnít care about the rules or my room, I just wanted to be alone and I got my wish, Mistress left and I Just lay down on my bed with my notebook and photo, I started to write about Mother and Father, it had only been about a day since I was last with them all alive and happy, just as I finished drawing a bell rang followed by hurried footsteps and then doors shutting, then nothing but silence again. I looked at my watch and it read 7:29 pm, I put my notebook under my pillow, I was scared Mistress would take it if I had it out after 8pm. I just lay there on my back staring at the ceiling letting my tears roll silently down the sides of my face. I had just about fallen asleep when the door swung open and Mistress threw a girl into the room, Mistress was yelling at her about trying to sneak out, the girl yelled back and Mistress slapped her so hard she fell landing flat on her bed, then Mistress left and I herd her lock the door. The girl was older than me, I could see that easily when she stood up. She looked at me for a while before she demanded to know who I was, I told her my name and she laughed and asked what kind of person would name there child Bliss, I told her my mother and Father had told me that they named me Bliss because that is all they felt from the second Mother was pregnant with me. The girl just stared at me again them told me her name was Candie, then she started laughing and said that we both had stripper names and if we put our names together Candie Bliss would make the best Stripper name ever. I just smiled and yawned; Candie lay back on her bed and talked about all different things that had happened in this home until I fell asleep.
At 5am Mistress unlocked the door and turned the light on, I was already awake but the light woke Candie, Mistress Threw us both an apple and dropped a sheet of paper then left the room. I asked Candie what the paper was for when she picked it up and she told me it was our chore lists then she handed it to me and said she wasnít going to do her chores, I read the note, next to my name it said sweeping and next to Candieís it said wash windows, at the bottom of the paper it said ďtodayís punishment will be a caning for a total of twenty minutesĒ I had never been caned before but I had helped Bandage Annie up after her parents had caned her, I didnít want that so I went right out and took a broom and I didnít stop until I had swept the whole second floor, it took a long time but I use to sweep my whole house for Mother so it didnít worry me. After I finished I looked back into my room where Candie was still laying in bed, she really wasnít going to do her chores and I didnít want her to get hurt so I washed the windows as well.
I did Candieís chores as well as my own for over a year before one of the other girls finally told Candie I had been doing it, The girl wasnít telling on me for doing her Candieís chores, she was angry that Candie had a little helper and she did not. Candie came out of our room and watched as I finished my chores and then stared on hers, she walked up and Glared at me for a moment then she just smiled and her whole face softened, she helped me finish then we went back to our room, Candie sighed then gave me a huge hug which was very unlike her, in over a year it was rare to even see her smile so a hug was a major shock, She said that no one had ever cared what happened to her or risked the punishment I would get if Mistress found out what I had been doing. I did understand the risk I was taking, but I had already been through true pain, so a caning or two was worth protecting a friend. Candie was a hard girl and she kept her emotions well enough to herself, but I could see her even if she didnít want me to, every night when she thought I was asleep she would get up, tuck my blankets around me and put my notebook on my dresser. After Candie had expressed her confusion for what I had been doing she asked me why, I smiled and told her ďBecause I love you like a sisterĒ Iíll never forget the look on her face, it was pure shock and she just stared at me in silence for a long time then she sat on her bed and in a soft whisper she asked for the first time why I was here. I told her about Annie and Mother and Father, it was weird, the first time in so long I had mentioned any of there names. After I finished telling my story I asked Candie hers, she told me that she had been in the group home her whole life, that her parents had left her at the door as a baby. I couldnít understand how someone could be so cold to there own child, but so far I had seen many incomprehensible things parents could do to their children. I must have been very lucky, I only had my parents for seven years but they were seven amazing years filled with love and faith and those memories would stay with me forever, though my faith in people had changed dramatically, I loved Candie as I told her I did but she was the only person in the group home I bothered to care about, I guess in a way I was scared of the pain of losing people again, I already lost so much and though I had accepted it, It still hurt just the same. Candie and I stayed up all night talking and the next day we did our own chores.
The two of us spent basically all out spare time together after that day, even when I was drawing or writing she would paint so we were still together. Candieís paintings were amazing, she did one of me for my birthday and I put it with my photo and notebook and at the same time I tore a drawing out of my notebook I had done of Candie and leaned it against the painting. Candie had asked why I never put a photo or Drawing of Annie up, I told her that it would just seem wrong, no one ever saw Annie while she was alive besides me so displaying her just didnít fit, I had plenty of drawings of her but they were good right where they were. Candie just smiled and got back to her painting and me my drawing.
Things ran pretty much smoothly for the next year, neither Candie or I got into any major trouble and we had between us made a museumís worth of artwork.
Now I was ten and I understood things more than I had when I was younger, Group home schooling was something I actually did now, I always read the books we were given but I rarely did the work, there was no need because Mistress would give us random grades to tell the school people so she wouldnít get checked up on. I found it all quite interesting, well actually I found Mythology interesting, that and Fantasy is all I read or studied, Candie studied art and painting, she loved painting and she was brilliant. Most people would frown upon Mistressís lack of teaching but personally I always loved that we could concentrate on our own interests and not things forced upon us.
One day I ran into our room to show Candie the latest book on paintings in history but when I got to the room Candie wasnít there, she left me a note telling me a boy from the Ice cream shop had asked her out on a date and that she was really excited. Dating was never on my mind but I was only ten and Candie was now fifteen. I was a little sad that Candie now had someone else in her life but I also knew Candie would have to start hanging around with people her own age, and so long as she was happy so was I. I placed the book on Candieís pillow then I sat on my bed and read the book I got about elfís, I learned that a common misconception people make is calling them elves, Elves are little people who help Santa in the north pole and Elfís are a mystic race that are no smaller than humans, they have pointed ears and are magical beings, This is when I fell in love with Elfís, I wanted to know everything, I wanted to read every book I could get my hands on about them, I wanted to draw them. I didnít know what it was, what had made me so interested in elfís over any of the other mystical creatures but it never mattered to me, I never questioned anything, I just enjoyed learning.
Over the next few months Candie was out with the Ice cream shop boy more and more, she was with him in basically all her spare time, she wasnít allowed to bring him back to the group home, but Mistress let Candie stay at his house on Weekends. I missed Candie; I missed her more than I was willing to accept even myself, I guess I first realized how much I missed her, how much it hurt when she just didnít come back, a day passed then that day turned into a week and that week turned into a month, The pile of books I had grabbed for Candie lay un touched on her bed, un touched like the rest of her belongings. This is when I cried, I cried my first tears since I was seven, and I didnít want to stop, I just curled up into a ball on my bed and I cried, not for hours, I cried for days, Candie, my sister, my friend. She left, she left me alone and she never said goodbye. I remember that feeling, that is when I realized a heart could be broken, not broken in the way my heart broke when Mother and father died, or how it broke when I lost Annie, This was different, This was a different hurt, Mother and Father couldnít say good bye, Annie did say goodbye, but Candie, she just left, she left me, she left this part of her life and she never turned back.
It didnít take long for Mistress to bring a new girl into my room and she got rid of all Candieís stuff, it felt so wrong to just erase someone as if they didnít exist. This girl was the same age as me, I never asked her name, she never asked me mine. I was hurt, and I didnít want to hurt anymore so I made no effort to get to know her. I stopped talking that day, Iím not sure if it was voluntary or in voluntary, but I think I just lost the will to, along with drawing and writing, all I did way lay on my bed, do my chores, then lay on my bed again.
I did the same thing every day, I would lay on my bed, do my chores then lay back on my bed, not communicating with anyone, not wanting to do anything, I did it right up until my 13th birthday. The day I was to be reminded who I was, the person I had left behind with all I had lost. I remember it was about midnight and I was still awake, I was staring up at the ceiling and the girl I shared with was away somewhere so it was just me alone in my room, just how I wanted it. This light filled my room, its was so bright, but it didnít effect my eyes at all, It was both scary and amazingly beautiful at the same time, I sat up and looked around, and that is when I saw her, she was beautiful, an angel with the whitest wings, she had long blond hair and crystal blue eyes, she was the same age as me, a beautiful angel and though years had passed, I didnít need to look twice to know who she was, how could I not know, she was my best friend, Annie, An angel. She looked at me with the same caring beautiful look she always did and the light faded, she sat on the bed next to me and put her hand on my leg. When she spoke it instantly felt like we were six again, like there had been no time between us, like she had always been there, she asked me why I didnít smile anymore, I didnít know how to answer that question, I didnít know the answer myself. I just shrugged my shoulders, I was still in shock, Annie was right in front of me, She was touching me, she was real. Annie looked at my bedside table and her smile dropped, she asked my why I took down all my pictures, I finally spoke, I told her they are just pictures, memories that hurt to much, She looked back at me and she asked me if I really believed that, she said sheís been with me forever, and it broke her heart to see me change so much, she said that somewhere I lost who I was, the beautiful person that had been there for her through everything, the person who made my parents so proud, the person who took on a strangers chores so she wouldnít get hurt. I felt weird, I wanted to cry again, but I didnít want to cry because I was hurting, I wanted to cry because I was ashamed, I had let part of me leave with Candie, the best part of me, and it took Annie to make me realize. I sighed, I told her that I didnít think my heart had any room left to break anymore and she just smiled and she told me that my heart is so strong, that although it breaks like any other, it mends and is always ready to accept someone else, she told me that I had once I told her that no matter what it was, no matter how hard or scary she could asked me to do anything and Iíd try my best to do it, she said, she now has a request, she told me that she wanted me to let go of the hurt, that there is to much beauty in the world that I was missing, that there was so many things in needed to see, things I needed to learn, she said that there will be people who need my care, my compassion, she said in six years I made a difference in her life, that I had made a time that was unbearable amazing, and that she wanted me to be able to do the same for other people. I looked at her and a single tear ran down my cheek, I hugged her and I didnít want to let go, I thanked her, I thanked her for telling me what I needed to know, for helping me remember who I was, who I will always be. Annie stood up when I finally let go of her, she smiled and the amazing light came back, she told me it was time for her to go again, But before she left she said one last thing, she said that when I want the answers there is one place to look and several to remember, she also said that I was special and for me not to fight who I am when the time comes, to just look for the glitter. This sounded familiar to me, and as I watched Annie fade away I re-herd what she had just said, only I herd it in my grandmothers voice, Then I remembered, Grandmother, She said that exact same thing to me all those years ago, when she gave me my notebook, before I lost Annie. I thought about it for a long time, I still didnít understand what it meant, but I did know as soon as I was 17, as soon as I was free of this place I would go and find my grandmother, and I would ask her.
Over the next four years I got to know everyone in the group home, I knew them all by name and we eventually decided that we would have dinner together every night, I still didnít get as close to any of them as I had done with Candie but we were all friends. Slowly person by person my friends left and new friends came, I wasnít the last of my friends leave but it was okay, it was good to see people getting on with there lives, and we always had a party for whoever was leaving so we could say goodbye properly and now it was my turn, The girls made me a cake in the shape of an elf, it was so amazing, I got gifts and as strange as it seems they were all somehow related to elfís, I was so happy but at the same time I was sad, I was leaving my friends, I would always remember them, and I had a drawing of every last girl. After my party I packed what I hadnít already and I said goodbye to the group home and my friends and I set out to find my grandmother.
I went to my town and I looked around, I remembered every face a saw, but none remembered me, Not one person, not until I stopped by the candy shop, this may seem strange, but I wanted to thank the kind old man for helping me that night, I walked into the store and a small bell rang as it opened and again when it closed just like it had when I was little. The kind old man didnít seem so old now that I was older; I remember thinking to myself that he seemed not much over middle age. I walked around the store and looked at a few things, then a felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned and the kind old man smiled, he said that it had been a long time and that it was good to see me safe and healthy, I smiled, I thanked him for what he had done and he told me heís just sorry it had to happen at all. He offered me a coffee and a muffin and I accepted, we sat in the back room and his wife took over out in the front of the shop, He asked me what I had been doing up until now, I smiled and I told him bits and pieces of the story, I didnít think it relevant to tell him the bad things, he was so happy to hear the good though. By the time we had finished talking it was dark outside so he offered for me to stay in his spare room, I accepted graciously and after dinner I went to bed. In the morning I had breakfast with the kind old man and his wife and I thanked him again then I left, I walked to my old house, I was just curious to see what it looked like now and I donít think I could have been more happy with what I saw, Two little girls playing outside with huge smiles and giggles, there parents were sitting on a blanket watching them with equally as huge smiles. I watched for a while then I walked to the bus stop, the bus schedule said the bus will be around in an hour so I pulled out my notebook and drew right up until it came, then I got on and set off for the hospital.
When I got to the hospital I ran off the bus and inside, I ran right up to the desk, the same lady was sitting there, the lady who Father had spoken to. She smiled and asked me how she could help me, I told her that I was here to see my grandmother and she asked me my grandmothers name, a question I had no answer to, I told the lady I called my grandmother grandmother, I never had reason to call her anything else, then I told her I knew the room grandmother was in. The lady was quiet for a moment then she smiled and asked if I could show her, I took her down the first hall, then down the second, It was all exactly the same and I remembered it as if I had visited Grandmother frequently. We got to grandmothers door and I stopped walking, I told the lady this was my grandmothers room. The lady looked at me oddly, at first as if she suddenly didnít know how to talk to me, then with sympathy, I thought she was going to tell me my grandmother had gone with the Angels, but she didnít, she just said she was very sorry about my parents. I smiled and thanked her then she left, I knocked on Grandmothers door and she told me to come in, she looked exactly how I remembered her, the odd thing is, she had two coffeeís and cookies set out and she clearly seemed like she was expecting me, she told me to sit down and asked me how I was, I told her I was fine and asked her, she told me that she was expecting me, she told me Iím as beautiful as she imagined then she smiled and she told me she canít give me the answers I seek. That was strange, but it didnít matter how she knew why I was there and oddly enough I already had a feeling she wouldnít be able to help me, not with that question, but I was hoping for some guidance, something to help me know what Iím meant to do now. Grandmother asked me what I had been doing all this time, and I told her the whole story, though unlike the kind old man, I told Grandmother everything, somehow I figured she wouldnít think I was weird. She smiled and listened to everything, she was happy I used my notebook so much. Grandmother and I talked all day, it was weird, I barely knew Grandmother but it was as though I had spoken to her everyday, she was so easy to talk to, she understood me, she understood things not even I did. This is when I realized the ĎimpossibleĒ stories Father has told me about werenít so much Impossible as they were true.
I asked Grandmother what I was to do now, and she told me that my path is my own, that I will share it with others along the way, others like me. I didnít understand so I asked what Grandmother meant by ďothers like meĒ she told me that there will be others, all with the same mark, all with there own past but a joined future.
The lady from the front desk came and told me it was time to leave, I got up and hugged Grandmother, then grandmother told me to travel until I knew to stop, that I would know when I was to stop and to leave tonight, She wished me luck and happiness, then I left.
This is the end of my past, this is where I am right now, currently on a bus to where ever it ends, following the words of a grandmother I hardly know; yet somehow this is what Iím meant to be doing.