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The set of your jaw as you sleep,
The flick of your lash when you peep,
The heat of your hand as it creeps,
Your sighs when your loving goes deep,
All these you's are hers to keep.
And though it pains me, I'll not weep.

For your smile she can not take,
And, that smile you can not fake.
That smile is mine, I put it there,
The first time we danced without a care.
You've worn it since, won't you agree?
Your smile, now, that belongs to me.

Purling breaths she bearly hears,
Sound like sirens to my ears,
Warning me I shouldn't be here,
That it feels too good to hold you near.
Yet in your arms I have no fear,
Seconds they can last for years.

When you wear my smile upon your lips,
My stomach loops the loop, and flips.
It brings a glow into my face,
One that no lamp or candle could replace.
Then the hassle's worth all the while,
Knowing you'll always wear my smile.

It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.- Frank N. Furter.


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The following comments are for "All Mine (Slight PG tones)"
by Jasmine

in agreement
I have to agree with Jess on this one. This piece is simply outstanding, both in it's use of language, it's flow and the simplistic beauty of it's rhyme. I would have to say you've outdone yourself with this one. Truthfully, I'm envious.. Good job!

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: September 27, 2002 )

This is delicious. The first two stanzas are blow away fantastic, and set up the last two very well. The rhythm is one if the best I've seen in some time. The one exception could be the lines
It brings a glow into my face,
One that no lamp or candle could replace.
I think because the 2nd is the longest line in the piece, it seemed to take away from the substantial ending after it. Consider cutting "One that" and leaving:
It brings a glow into my face,
no lamp or candle could replace.
Just my opinion.
Great job. Tell us when it gets published!

( Posted by: Malthis [Member] On: September 27, 2002 )

Thanks Guys
I really appreciate any feedback, positive or otherwise, that the community makes possible.

But, I have to say, I was blown away by the response to this poem.
It was written about three years ago, and I prolly haven't visited it since. *L* I'm afraid I'm not very objective when it comes to my own writing (Who is, right?), and anything written in this period, I am very liable to slate, BIG time.
But, I'm glad that I was able to share it with you, and thank you humbly for your praise.



( Posted by: Jasmine [Member] On: September 28, 2002 )

Great Poem

It's very emotional and very heartfilled. And it touched me since it reminds me of my life to a degree ! (Ha Ha)
Well done !

100 B.

( Posted by: 100 Bullets [Member] On: September 30, 2002 )

Beautifully expressed ,enjoyed reading...ilenia

( Posted by: ilenia [Member] On: November 26, 2003 )

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