Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

I think I'm falling, just wanna stand.
But you've got me cradled in your hand.
'Cause when you sleep I see your dreams.
Your in my head...is how it seems.
With you forever I will lie,
until the sun refuses to shine.
Oh, and never will I leave.
Our perfect bodies twist and weave.
I can't imagine you'd make me cry,
This feeling kept, can never die.
'Cause when you sleep I'm in your dreams.
I'm in your head...is how it seems.

------
Charity


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "In My Head"
by pLp420

In my Head
Charity,

This had the flow of a good rhyming poem except for the line:

'until the sun refuses to shine,'

Given the rest of the poetry I cannot see why you used this line, it breaks both the flow and rhyme.

I would have thought something like:

Untill the sun departs the sky
or
untill all time has passed us by

Would have fit better, but staying within 'your' meaning, not mine.

4th line 'your' should have been you're (you are).

However with the above exceptions I found this to be a good poetic outpouring of feelings, and look forward to more of your work.

Have Fun,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: March 17, 2006 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: