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The clock keeps track
of the minutes that pass me by
while I sit and think
of hours long passed
but still influencing the minutes
I have left.
And when my clock finally stops
what will it say?
A mountain of minutes,
wasted, and forever gone?

------
Michelle C. Huigens


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The following comments are for "Minutes."
by Lotus11

Minutes
Nice. You can feel the flow of time, a wave passing by. Good job. Keep writing.

( Posted by: Thea [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Minutes - Michelle
Michelle,

First, a vewry warm welcome to Lit, I hope you get as much out of this community as I have.

I am not a freewriter and therefore very seldom comment on the structure of this style of poetry. But poetry is poetry and where appropriate I will comment on how a particular piece comes over to me as a reader.

In this piece I felt it would have been better to say the clock 'adds up' or 'ticks off' or anything emphasising the immediate passing of time.... 'keeps track' appears to me to be just recording it not giving it's passing any importance.

'but still influencing the minutes
I have left.'

I found this a little week and am not sure how it was intended, maybe a rewrite to indicate if:

you need to influence?
you are influencing?
you intend to influence? etc.

Where you ended the poem gives a feeling of despair and a predetermined expectation of failure. Was this deliberate? If so it was expertly done. I, however, was itching to add a message of determination to succeed at this point;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The clock proclaims
the minutes that pass me by.
While I sit and think
of hours long passed.
But striving still, to influence
the minutes I have left.

For when my clock finally stops
what will it then say.
A mountain of minutes,
wasted, and forever gone...
Or will it then proclaim
A lifetime of dreams fulfilled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is powerful poetry that makes one want to read and interprate with ones on meaning and such was you post. Nothing I have said is aimed at detractng from what I see as a good well written poem. I thought I would just give you some idea as to how my mind works as you took the time to comment on my work, for which I thank you.


( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Michelle
Michelle,

Excuse my typo's I really must get rid of this wireless ketboard!

Have Fun,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Thank you
for reading my work, Thea. :)

( Posted by: Lotus11 [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Thank you Ivor
for your kind words and good suggestions.
While reading my work please keep in mind, if you will, that English is not my mother's language. I am Dutch, live in Holland, and mostly write in Dutch. I read a lot in English, and always have written in English sometimes as well, but it is much harder. It is a real challenge indeed. 'Minutes' is the first English poem I have written in a long time, I may be a little rusty. This poem however turned out the way I wanted to, allthough I will consider rephrasing some parts.
Thank you for your welcome, I appreciate it. :)

( Posted by: Lotus11 [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Oops = Typo's
Michelle,

I am afraid my comment is so full of missed keystrokes it reads like what we would call 'Double Dutch' in England.

'vewry - very' and 'one's on meanings - one's own meanings' being the noticable but not the only errors....

I've retired the 'ketboard-keyboard' so now all errors are mine!

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Errors.
Ivor, errors don't matter to me, I imagine my English grammar is far from perfect.....
I can understand perfectly well what you are typing, that is the most important thing, isn't it? :)

( Posted by: Lotus11 [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Time is a river
Tijd is een rivier,
stroomt ie ook tegen de helling?

I must agree with the ketboard-keyboard man in saying I expected more from that piece.

The opening, though not particulary striking, is subtle, much like the flow of time. That is what I like. The entire poem seems to describe the ebb of such a stream yet the last two lines make me want to wash away with time, as if it is my only resort.

Anyway, as critical as I can be, I have seen the english chap already fixed the poem and I am quite pleased with his critism.

Oh, and welcome to Lit.org, the realm of written art.

Ik verwacht meer van zulke stukken Lotus11

( Posted by: Siah [Member] On: March 13, 2006 )

Siah,
Thank you for your welcome and thank you for your comment on my work.

( Posted by: Lotus11 [Member] On: March 14, 2006 )





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