Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

I smiled to him after he left.

With no place to rest,
My smile wandered around,
His mind too busy to host
One piece of soul.

My smile got back to me,
Saying I was at fault
For it being so wasted.

It crushed my candour
This smiling boomerang.




Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "RICOCHET"
by Thea

Neat trick
A small, barely-tangible thing to seize upon and render into poetry: this unhomed pigeon-fluttering smile. You write it very well. 'It crushed my candour' is particularly good, as I find I know exactly what you mean. To me, it might make more sense to open with smiling to him 'as' he leaves - giving the smile at least a hope of landing. But perhaps the acknowleged futility was part of your intention.

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: March 8, 2006 )

neat trick
Thanks for your comment. If it was "as he was leaving" she would have noticed that very moment it was waisted. I thought that "after he left" gave her more hope..only to crash it later.

( Posted by: Thea [Member] On: March 9, 2006 )

Wasted Smile
A 'wasted smile'; good stuff. - Carl

( Posted by: cjmiller [Member] On: March 12, 2006 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: