The Real Three Little Pigs - the conspiracy
You must login to vote
Chriss g Starling
One upon a time, far, far away from anywhere anyone has ever been, there lived three little pigs. The first pig was Frankie the Fat. The second was Sammy the Swine. And the third was Theodore. All three lived on the same street, the only street, and worked at the same police station, also the only. Their respect for the law was not unlike ours. Peace was kept between the three.
At one time the town was overpopulated. Now, only three houses stood. Frankie lived in a house of straw. Sammy lived in a house of wood. And Theodore lived in a house of brick. Theodore, being the oldest, was more cautious of wolves since the wolves had extreme pressure in their lungs and could blow houses down. They may be able to blow down other things too, but as far as anybody knows, only houses were destroyed.
Soon after the three pigs judged and declared the street they lived on to be the cleanest in town, they decided to celebrate. All three gathered together. There were loads of drink, food, and festivities. Not one of the three pigs could finish it all if they tried. And they always tried.
That’s when Willy the Wolf came passing through.
“Hi there, pigs,” he told the three pigs who ignored him. “Beautiful night tonight, eh?” Still, the pigs said nothing to acknowledge him.
The aroma of the food drifted its way to Willy’s growling, empty stomach, causing him to sigh in hunger and desperation.
“Don’t even think about it,” Frankie spoke up.
“Our food is ours,” Sammy said. “Leave us alone, Wofie.”
“But I’m starving to death, pigs,” Willie pleaded.
“You’re under arrest,” Theodore declared to the Willie the Wolf.
“But. . .”
Willy the Wolf was thrown in jail for five days with no food and a limit of a cup a day of water. During his incarceration, Willy begged to talk to his lawyer, but the pigs would not allow. He begged for his release and promised he would leave the town immediately after, but the pigs again refused. “The law is the law,” the pigs said. Every night for supper, the three pigs would sit in front of Willy’s cell and enjoy their food.
By the time Willy’s jail term was served, he’d been beaten and taunted so much he couldn’t resist the urge to get revenge on the three pigs.
Willy the Wolf waited until it was night and all was black before leaving the dense forest with a shotgun. He came to Frankie’s house first. Willy banged as hard as he could on the pig’s door. “Little pig, little pig, let me in!” he called out, not realizing the pig was not home. He called out again. “Let me in goddamnit!” But still there was no answer. Finally, he huffed and puffed and blew Frankie the Fat’s straw house down.
Willy came next upon Sammy the Swine’s house. “Little pig, little pig, let me in.” But there were no sounds coming from inside. The pig was not home. So he huffed and he puffed and he blew the wooden house down.
The only house left standing now was Theodore’s and Willy had no trouble finding it. It was the only house left in town and loud music blared from it as if they were having some kind of party.
Good, the wolf thought. All of them together.
He banged as hard as he could on the pig’s door. “Little pig, little pig, let me in!” he called. But the music was too loud for the pigs to hear. He tried again. “You motherfucking pigs! Let me in!” But still nothing. “Fuck it.”
The wolf huffed and puffed and blew harder than ever before, but the brick house still stood. “Shit!” Willy exclaimed. “I hate brick!”
Finally, Willy just opened the door. The music died instantly as the record scratched to its end. Willy the Wolf stood amazed at what he saw. Frankie, Sammy, and Theodore were in a train position, humping each other’s butts. They turned to Willy in embarassment.
Theodore cried out, “Uh. . .You’re under arrest!”
But before the pigs could pull their little piggy dicks out of each other, Willy shot them dead.
Willy had plenty of food and drink from then on. He rebuilt the town and invited everyone to come back. They all lived happily with no pigs. . .
. . . until the government found out that they were living happily without oppression and laws and corrupt police enforcers and they dropped a neutron bomb on them all. The neutron bomb disintegrated all of them but the wolf, becase he was in a jacuzzi at the time and was completely submerged in the water sucking on lil miss tuffetts toes. When he rose out of the water, everyone was gone. And then he was so sad that he let the government go on dropping bombs on towns all over the world. He even paid taxes that went to building bombs to make people unhapppy.
Somewhere, somebody really doesn\'t like that very much.
jesuschriss; aka jimmy condomhead (of jimmy condomhead and the rubberband peanut stand, featured on myspace music); aka cgstarling; aka johnny longhead; aka lib raulphf; aka jc bibble; aka jc; aka christof gee starling; aka (jcgs); aka