Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
8Unknown

You must login to vote

miniature hands
newborn feet
tubes and lines
bleep, bleep
bleep, bleep

small
delicate
in your colossal bed
baby doll
blood flowing
in wrong places
through your
wee
anomolous
heart

how is it
that
I
live strong
thriving
while you hang on
dying
surviving
with drugs
infinitesmal
in measure
drops
of critical
subsistance

fragile heart
rhythm
fluttering
like butterfly wings
one, two
one
two
innocent
tender
life fleeting
tiny baby doll
tiny baby blue


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Butterfly Wings"
by appleblossom

Sad
Appleblossom,

I really liked the simplicity of this poem. The sad image of a little baby barely alive popped in to my mind, you are good at getting the reader to visualize your poetry, great stuff.

Later,
Dras

( Posted by: Drastine [Member] On: September 7, 2002 )

to appleblossom
A delicate poem, so to speak but the line "blood flowing in wrong places" irked me somewhat, I think some differently wording would be nice since not until "through anomolous heart" does the reader know of the condition. Leaving a fairly graphic line hanging like that, even for a brief sec, is a bit disturbing.

Great imagery and feeling, especially the description of the heartbeats. So poignant.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: September 8, 2002 )

monitored heartbeats
Apple,
I liked this one. It struck a chord, I could hear the "bleep, bleep" of the heart monitor as I read.. Wondeful job conveying this image.. Although I agree with Furius that a few lines distract from the simple beauty of the piece.

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: September 9, 2002 )

last 2 lines
scary.

the punctuation (or lack of it) helped as well. the rhythm of the"bleep" coincides with the syllables of the short lines.

makes me wonder how anger can thrive in loneliness at the same time.

( Posted by: webguy [Member] On: September 9, 2002 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: