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Ouch ouch.

Life hurts, right now. I did one of the hardest things I've ever done, yesterday.

I want, so badly, to trust you like I have before, like I did, only last week. I'm doing quite well at not being jealous, I think. However, the more I read your protected posts that you finally let me read, while I'm glad you finally were honest and truthful with me, it's hard for me to believe that it'll continue. I want it to, I want us to grow together, more and more, in the least, as friends, in each other, and in God. You're driving me back to church because I want to grow closer, through God, to you.

I just don't know, right now, though. You know I'm not good at journals, but this last week or so has just brought forth so much that when I try to talk about it, it just gets jumbled, so I need to write it down. Don't think too much of this, really. I don't know what to say when I'm with you, except that I love you, and I'm here for you when you need me.

I'm just tired of hurting. I'm tired of hurting you, I'm tired of being hurt. I know this will pass, but it feels like it's been going on for so long, an end is hard to see. Maybe I'm just being emo. Maybe I'm just being honest, finally. I'm not certain, anymore.

You hear me end so many phrases and semi-coherent thoughts with 'I dunno.' I just don't. Words aren't my friends, right now. All I have are emotions, and they're confusing me, as well.

So I say I love you. Never have I said it and not meant it. Never will I.

'If you say run, I'll run with you
If you say hide, we'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall
Into my arms
And tremble like a flower'

You know, the easiest remedy for 'I don't want to tell the truth because it will hurt [other party]' is not to hurt them in the first place. We both learned that lesson a little too late. I'm sorry that part of who we were together is no longer there, but I'm glad it happened when it did, so we can still be the friends we need to be for each other.

Sorry for any incoherence; it's hard to articulate, you know that, so I'm putting down any thoughts I can straighten out. I ran out of poetry, ran out of most words, soon after I fell in love with you. I'm just glad I can get something out, right now. I couldn't even get a decent journal entry, for the longest time. It's not that my mind is working properly now, and coming back together, it's that I'm forcing it to. My heart is forcing my mind to work.

I love you.

I don't need a drink. I need a drink with Elliott. I need the companionship. It's nice to have companionship and a pint.

End of line.

-William A. Corder

'He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise.'
-Lao Tzu

'Tomorrow will take us away,
Far from home--
No one will ever know our names,
But the bards' songs will remain.
Tomorrow, all will be known,
And You're not alone,
So don't be afraid
In the dark and cold
'Cause the bards' songs will remain.
They all will remain
In my thoughts and in my dreams
They're always in my mind....
Come close Your eyes;
You can see them, too.'
Blind Guardian,
The Bard's Song: Into the Forest

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The following comments are for ""Struggling for Reality; Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha""
by the Co.konspirator

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