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And on the third day He arose. Oops! Wrong Testament.
And God said, ďLet the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, where I may keep an eye upon it and not fall in. And letís have some dry land. My spirit is tired of moving over the face of the waters, and itís soaked. I need someplace to sit down and think without getting My ass wet. Perhaps I shall make my troublesome Son ride an ass. No, He is not gay- not that there is anything wrong with that. Now Joseph- he was, I mean he will be a certified putznasher who has ridden many an ass. Heís definitely fruitful but he ainít multiplying. I didnít want any paternity questions to arise. But thatís a whole New Testament. Did you know that the word ďtestamentĒ is based upon the Romans swearing on their balls? You canít make up that kind of shit. And who am I talking to? Myself again.Ē
And God said, ďLet there be salad. Iíll have some veggies and fruit on the side. Some trees for shade would be nice- Iím done with that dividing the light crap. Itís got to have lots (weíre not going there today) of seeds and pits in it, so that it shall be able to multiply and remind me of my wifeís cooking. Speaking of my wife- Letís keep that thing about Maryís Son of God amongst ourselves, or I shall visit you with plagues. Thank you. We all have our needs. I need obedience. So sue Me!Ē
And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
And God said, ďLet there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night. Day from the night? Iíve already separated the light from the darkness. Been there, done that. Whoís writing my lines here? Whereís my cell phone? Iím calling my agent. Hey, Murray. Not so good. I already divided light from darkness but that didnít work out so good. Iíve already created night and day- it wasnít easy. You donít want to know. Are these writers paying attention? Fine, I understand that they have their own agenda. Contract, shmontract- I shall smite them! Fine, Iíll make some heavenly lights then. But no more light dividing! Donít make Me call the union. Iím not doing a single beast until tomorrow, not even a sea monster. OK, fine. Thanks, Murray.Ē
And God hung up.
And God said, ďEnough already! Tomorrow is another day.Ē
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins