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In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth lacked form, and was void. The spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.
And God said, “Now I’m all wet! I couldn’t see the waters. Let there be light already!” God saw that the light was good. It must have been the first time that He could see anything, although until today He hadn’t yet created anything to see.
And God said, “This is not so good. I should have said ‘let there be light’ first so I could see what I was doing. Oh well, tomorrow’s another day.”
And God separated the light from the darkness because He planned to sleep in over the weekend following a busy week, but He couldn’t sleep with the lights on.
And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
And God said, “Jesus Christ! I just finished creating heaven and earth and night and day and already it’s morning. This is going be a long week.” Then God forgave Himself for swearing.
And God said, “If I ever have a son I shall name Him ‘Jesus Christ’ because boys can be so troublesome.”
And God said, “Let’s have a firmament and separate the waters from the waters. I don’t want to end up in the waters again after dark”. It must have been a foggy second day. So the fog rose to be clouds and the sky looked Heavenly, as did the waters below until man started shitting in them. Man would soon learn to shit in the sky as well.
And then God said “Oy veh! What kind of putz am I? All of this dividing the light stuff is hard work because as soon as I divide the light it shines right back into the mashfukkin darkness and messes it all up. I should have just spun the Earth. That’ll make night and day.” (I realize that God sounds a lot [no, not Lot- not yet] like Mel Brooks. I’m assuming that God’s son was Jewish and that God created Him in His image. Besides, we’ve had a Polish Pope followed by a Brownshirt German- so why not?)
And then God spun the earth but then all the waters upon the face of the earth spun up off, rejoining the waters above, and God said, “Oh, My Me! I forgot to create gravity before I created mass and momentum!”
And then God created laws of physics, and forgave himself for swearing again.
And God said, “That’s not so bad.”
And God said, “God, I must be crazy! I’m talking to myself again. I’d better create some people to talk to and to have dominion over all of the earth and stuff like that. But first things first. This place isn’t fit for man or beast- I don’t want anyone to see the earth like this. I’ve got a lot (no, not Lot- not yet) to do before I create man, or even beast. They will need to eat something. Hey, so do I.” And God created the Rueben sandwich, and He saw that it was good.
And God said, “God damn, that’s one good sandwich, but it could use a little salt. Maybe I should have created Lot’s wife first. But I’m getting ahead of Myself. Oh, My Me- I’m talking to Myself again, in the third person even. And I’ve got so much to do. I wish there were three of me. Hey, why not? Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. That’s kind of catchy- maybe even catechismy. I’ll have to sleep on it- later.”
And there was an evening and a morning, a second day.
And God said “Morning again already? I just finished lunch!”
COMING SOON (?): Land and Sea, Flora and Fauna *OR* Pangea and the Evolution of Intelligent Design *OR* “Could you beasts please stop eating each other until I’m done creating you? Don’t make me separate you. God thanks you.”
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"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins