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Bloodshot, dialated eyes,
Starring, at a blank piece of paper,
College ruled, black pen, rock music,
perfect setting for my, lyrical demise.

I stumbled through each stanza, each fumbled cry,
The same messages, page to page,
I cannot sleep, until these thoughts subside,
forcing it through bloches, of this black dye.

Dawn has laughed on my skin,
Bird outside my window, sings me a song,
The nightmares, gently receeded,
Where have I been?

I cannot rememeber,
Did it come for me again?
The sense of sleeplessness,
When indeed I just awoke,
I cannot rememeber,
Until I see these pages,
Of Insomniac dreams,
Laced with poetic dust.


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The following comments are for "Insomnia"
by Bleed

Good stuff.
While this fails to capture the essence of my own brush with insomnia, I do like it a lot. The images are great, but they unfortunately suffer from the overuse of commas. It's really a minor thing and easily fixed, but dramatically effects the flow of this poem. You don't need a comma at the end of every line, and the placement of some of the commas in this peice outright baffle me. (After "my" in the fourth line, for example.)
That aside, your peom does capture the essence of "the thought that won't let me go" very well, and I can see that it has a lot of potential. Keep posting!

( Posted by: The Recycled Avatar [Member] On: September 6, 2002 )

I concur...
To Bleed: This was a very good piece. It has some wonderful ideas in it, and they're expressed well.
After reading the above comments, I decided to read it for myself.
And, although, I don't quite think 'overuse' would be the right word, I, like Recycled Avatar, was baffled by the 'my' comma.
I've been taught that a comma is added for pause, whether to take a breath or add dramatic effect. This particular comma adds nothing placed where it is.
I believe this answers Jessica's question, by saying what I ~would~ take out, which is, this one comma. The rest works great!!

Now, I'm not saying this is 'correct' in any way, just a little friendly advice from an ex-imsomniac!


( Posted by: Jasmine [Member] On: September 6, 2002 )

I just liked it
I just liked this piece, and I wouldn't have paid the comma use any mind if not for the above discussion. I thought you expressed the sleepless notion well.

Good writing.


( Posted by: Richard Dani [Member] On: September 6, 2002 )

I have to admit that i wouldn't have noticed it otherwise, but i do believe that comma is gramatically incorrect. I was taught that commas were used to seperate items on a list or to seperate clauses in a sentence. I was also taught that if you take out something sectioned off by a comma, the sentence should still be grammaticaly correct. "Perect setting for my" needs something after it. Content-wise and stylistically, this is a damn well written poem. Very damn wel written. But i must admit i think that comma is gramatically incorrect.

But Bleed, you shouldn't sit here and obsess of a fucking comma like we all did. Just write your stuff and don't worry too much about grammar and punctuation. I mean that's what editors are for right? :)

( Posted by: E.G. Evans [Member] On: September 8, 2002 )

Well, I didn't expect such a response but it makes me happy to see how much people like my writing. I'm not good with grammar and when I use comma's most of the time it's for dramatic effect, more like a pause then a seperation of anything. I put the comma after "My" because I often find myself in the midst of a sentance searching for the right word, and when I put it there it was to try and relay that, I paused thinking of the write phrase to express what was in my head. Most of the best poems are when I cannot sleep. Lately since I work third shift, I rarely sleep at all on my days off, wether it be that I'm to drunk to sleep or just to awake, I havn't been sleeping, I find my head to be more clear when I can't sleep. I donno. Thank you all for your support and criticism ( I can't spell well either ) :)


( Posted by: Bleed [Member] On: September 14, 2002 )

A truly excellent poem this - it drags the reader through the thoughts and emotions of a mind that cannot rest; I'm almost left breathless after reading it.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: January 27, 2003 )

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