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The blood of humanity
Paints red the hands of politics;
The dying breath of freedom
Gasps for peace
In a world choked by the poison
Of cancerous society.
Tumours spread by industry
Metastasize on foreign shores
And settle in the ocean's depths.
Capitalism breeds its own greed
In the form of economic gain.
Money breeds power;
It is the centre of the universe,
The centre of life;
It is the lifeblood
But the deathbed of humanity,
Feeding fuel to the fire of greed.
Heaven and hell are paid for
In dollar bills,
Bound together by the ecstasy
Of narcotic dreams.
Escapism has formulated an industry
Unto itself,
Led by the same beaurocratic parasites
Who condemn the sinful junkie.
Wealth overflows in opulence
As people starve, people die.
The corpulent man is irritated
As the poor grapple for scraps;
Irritated by the poverty
Which degenerates his million dollar view.
His BMW reflects their tired faces
As he drives away from haunted eyes.
Not his problem.
No-one's problem.
Conscience is eased by the theory
Of natural selection;
Responsibility is placed
On someone else's doorstep;
Neglect is someone else's fault.

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The following comments are for "Capitalist Tyranny"
by appleblossom

Well, it cerrtainly has punch, that's for sure. I liked the image of the people's faces reflecting in his car; it is a good use of irony.
Maybe this is just my own style, but I would recommend avoiding obvious metaphors (ex: using the word is). Don't tell me that something is something else, show me and let me figure it out later, maybe in the poem, maybe not. If you have to say that something is something, then you need to back up your metaphor.
Finally, don't take the lack of a number personal;I just don't know enough about your style to rate it well. keep posting!

( Posted by: The Recycled Avatar [Member] On: September 6, 2002 )

good advice
Thanks again for your comments.

Yes, I see what you mean about the word "is" when used with metaphores. I've never really thought about that before, but it does weaken the statement.

I have just re-written an entire chapter of my novel due to some good advice I've found on the web, and I feel my technique is improving every day.

I'm not too worried about the number rating. I don't feel it is a good indication of how a piece is viewed. Comments are much more effective (for me anyway).

Thanks again!!

( Posted by: appleblossom [Member] On: September 6, 2002 )

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