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6pishposh

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Last night felt so mild yet so intense that it felt real. You were there, and of course i was too. I was at my house sadly sitting in the living room thinking about you and how i was too scared to make the first move.(I knew deep down in my heart that you always wanted me to make the first move. And if i did we would be together. But i was always to nervous). Anyways, I'm sitting on the chair and i here somebody at the door. So i go and get it and before i get there in walks my father at you. The timing couldn't of been any more perfect. I distinctly remember that it was raining outside. I was thinking of one of those love scenes in a movie where the people make-up and kiss in the rain. It would be perfect, but it would never happen to me. My father goes directly up the stairs to let us be alone and its just you and me in the hallway. Of course the moment is awkward but all I'm thinking about is why my father brought you here.Once my mind drifts back to thinking about your soft lips, I realize that I'm kissing them. I was so happy and mesmerized. You wouldn't believe how real this moment felt. I remember every move to that kiss like it was real. And i will never forget them. We were finally together. You smiled and i showed my pearly whites too. Then i came back to reality and realized that it as only dreaming. I thought i had achieved my mission of making the first move. But to my disappointment, it was only a dream.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Reality"
by Delilah90

Um...
Hey young writer, well what i would recommend is use more commas, because your story seems to flow as one, without pauses or brakes, and it makes it very hard to understand especially this part "So i go and get it and before i get there in walks my father at you"
so i suggest writing more and rereading.. it'll help if you want my help, i'll gladly help.

Sincerely Roman

( Posted by: pishposh [Member] On: December 28, 2005 )

reality
I think that you didn't need the parentheses in the story. They didn't really achieve any purpose. We know that they were your thoughts. Watch for spelling mistakes and inappropriate use of grammar. All in all I thought that the story line was alright. It just needed more punch to come across more effectively. Perhaps instead of stating that it was a "dream", you could let the reader find this out for himself at the end.

( Posted by: mollie777 [Member] On: February 7, 2006 )





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