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now snap out the light and dissolve
to a shape in the dark
brief outline
liquid desire

reach for him, smiling
saying
Of this we are made
saying
Look
saying
Here is my body
And here is yours
so let all our infinite purity
spin into nothing

a fragment of flesh, like a song.


Yes
Of this we are made

and in this sudden vortex of time
we will be made once more

as eternity dances unheeded
outside on the lawn

for we carry the garden within
and are willing to fall.



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The following comments are for "Edensong"
by MobiusSoul

M-Soul's "Edensong"
Caitlin- On first reading, seemed a sluggish start, but got better as read on. Found strength in final 4 lines. Second and third readings, got more into scene and pacing..This isn't a shot after beer. It's like a v.s.o.p. champagne cognac, in snifter...

to be savoured.

B7L

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 14, 2005 )

Spirit spinning
Bobby, I was uncertain of this one - an attempt at an atmosphere piece with no 'storyline' at all. I remain uncertain... but your comment gives me hope that, in the right cognac-softened light, it can work the way I intended. Thank you for catching the mood :)

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: December 14, 2005 )

Whereas, On the Eighth Day
Caitlin ~ I love your first line and that wonderfully fitting final couplet.

"now snap out the light and dissolve" contrasts nicely with "And let there be light", the original abracadabra mantra of creation -- as though, on the eighth day, Eve took the organ of creation into her own hands.

This is lush, but it feels incompletely articulated:

"so let all our infinite purity
spin into nothing"

What do you mean by that, exactly? And --

"as eternity dances unheeded
outside on the lawn"

-- where did the bit about the lawn come from?

"for we carry the garden within
and are willing to fall"

Now that's my favourite bit. There's your cognac snuffed light and lushness.

Still, somehow the whole of the poem feels restrained, distant. Is there no room for artful perversity in the garden of innocence?

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: December 16, 2005 )

Lucie, H/F - the Eden ethic
Oh, not unmade at all, Lucie, but rather - and pleasurably - made again! That small revelation of the space between midnight and morning, desire and consequence, into which hedonism fits was the reason I wrote this poem. Love the way you get it :)

And H/F too - for picking up on the 'let there NOT be light' riff. Indeed, the general thesis of the final lines was 'let there not be a garden, either': hence the idea of leaving piety and eternity out on the lawn to do its pretty thing unheeded. You are right - those lines, stripped down as they stand here, read kind of backwards. And as for the disappointing lack of artful perversity? Don't tempt me :) I suspected this poem of pretentiousness - I still do - and letting it wander off into the erotic might have tipped the balance just too far! Some other time... some other poem, perhaps...?

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: December 16, 2005 )

A Passionate Breeze
I found no problem flowing along with the emotion and rhythm of this poem, which is an utterly human expression. And the second stanza with its conversational injections, is fantastic.

( Posted by: veganmaster [Member] On: December 16, 2005 )

Topic
Mobisoul;
I enjoy your work; may not comment all the time, but I do read the lines. You've managed to recreated a topic very efficiently. I like!




Blessings,
{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: December 16, 2005 )

Caitlin - Edensong
Think I mentioned once already here at lit I love reading Songs of Solomon, as that's where I sometimes get inspiration for my love (erotic, on the verge of 'artful perversity' to quote Hazel, but not yet) poems. :-) This one too, is a hairsbreadth attempting to transgress, but not yet, only almost and for me, that's why this is extraordinarily erotic. I loved this, Caitlin and so are the reviews and your responses.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: December 17, 2005 )

Peter, Jeannie, v/master...
... thank you all for collective kindness!

Peter, you have such an ear for this style, I'm particularly glad you responded to this... and now you mention it, I can hear the 'Song of Solomon influence' in some of your work. But you do exactly what I would strive for (here and elsewhere) - strip out the biblical pomposity and expose the delicate, human love poems underneath. Hmm. Maybe I too should read the Old Testament for erotic inspiration...?

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: December 18, 2005 )

Thanks Desvelado
This poem is so old now... a pleasant surprise that anyone's still reading it! I think I felt ambivalent about it at the time, although I do quite like the line you've highlighted. On reflection, it seems like a rather inadequate rendering of a subject that nevertheless begs poetry. Maybe someday I'll give it a better treatment. Maybe you (and others) already have...

Do existentialists have to walk alone, by definition? Or maybe not - at least not on literary websites.

Oh, and I haven't posted in recent months simply because I haven't written anything. That's ok: sometimes nothing comes for years, since poetry follows life and life at present, I suppose, is unpoetic. Yeah, that's an elegant way of admitting I make no effort. But I do very seldom surf by lit.org - it's nice to know the site is still here. Perhaps I'll be back sometime. Happy writing...

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: June 5, 2008 )





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