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I have been contemplating how this past year or so has been about some huge life changes around me. It just hit me about 15 seconds ago that this is so.... let me 'splain:

1)My older sister became ill in November of 2003 with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).... she was diagnosed in spring of 04, and passed away in April of this year. During the year between her diagnosis and her death, myself and my family endured with her some of the most heart wrenching agony that I have ever imagined myself facing. I thought cancer was bad. ALS is like cancer on steroids. It paralyzes, and in my sister's case, it first took from her what she loved most: her art, her ability to use her hands, then her feet, then her speech, and eventually every single part of her self. It of course left her brain and her heart intact, to understand every second of her suffering. She was not able to express herself for at least the last couple of months of her life, so I don't know if she overcame her anger at God for what was happening and found some peace and transendance above the illness. When she passed, we suffered, but only in knowing how we would miss her until we meet again, and in seeing my mother agonize at burying a second child. One knows an illness is horrific, when death is such a welcome release. I know she is not suffering, and hope she is at peace. (She was pretty pissed for a while, so I hope she's gotten over that).

2)My best friend is engaged. After the above paragraph, this seems pretty trite. However, its still a life change and that's what I'm talking about. This gal has been my inseparable buddy for almost 2 years, and is probably one of the closest people to me. She understands me as well as I do myself, for the most part. I have pieces of me closed off to all, even myself, and she doesnt get to access those areas of the museum of the weird that is me :-) (I like that description. I amuse myself immensely sometimes) So now, this person I've shared so much with, is essentially non-accessible to me. I feel slightly betrayed, although I won't admit that and anyone who tells her will die a horrible, painful, publicly humiliating death. Its not her fault, its the way life is, but I get really tired of people leaving, for whatever reason, and this feels like leaving to me. So I'm very stuck in limbo between happy and sad, excited and scared, yada yada yada. The eternal quandary for the girls with the engaged friends. I've been through it enough that I'm very self aware and try my hardest not to let her feel the effects of my angst.

3)My brother and his wife welcomed this little angel, Shailey, into their lives. She is adorable, and really. Not just cuz she's my niece. ADORABLE. I wrote a poem this morning.... but fer real, folks.... I have a LOT of nieces and nephews. My niece Jessica is my favorite, we have so much fun... I have other "favorites" too, all different ages, etc. But there is something different about Shailey. I'm not the only one who senses it. In addition, she and I seem to have more of a bond.... I've had some cool experiences already at her hands, and she is only a month old. She's already made me a better person.. more HUMAN than I have been for a long time. I work in law enforcement, and with all I see, hear, etc., I think that my humanity, or the essential part of me that is human, got locked away in a box in the very center of my being. I feel like I'm marred, hardened, something..... Shailey, with one look, reversed those effects somewhat.... it left me feeling, renewed. That hasn't happened with other babies, no matter how cute or beloved.

More to follow on this, its long enough and blah blah blah.......

Jewel L

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The following comments are for "Life changes"
by JewelL

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