This was extremely sweet, what a romantic. How wonderful is that a true romantic left in the world. Jasmine if very lucky;p
Posted by: Drastine [Member] On: August 30, 2002
I agree that it needs a little rhythm change in the last line.... it needs to be a beat longer or a beat shorter... you could take out the "I" or add a "when" or a "can" in there so it matches up with the rest of the lines, or is just a skoch more different than the rest of the lines as a contrast.
That said, I love the simplicity of it, its just a statement of fact, no need for flowery filler. Great job!