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Sidewalk
Poisoned with air
And bodies laying everywhere
Pages
Of the book all torn (ripped away)
Stained with the sour words they've said and say
Growing
Nothing living in this space again
And we are dead again
Because we've falied to feed the sin of mourning


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Having everything you ever wanted is nice, Having everything you need dreamed of is better.


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The following comments are for "Escape"
by DampheirInBlack

Escape

I really like the idea of this prose, but IMHO it needs a bit of work.
Sidewalk
Poisoned with air
And bodies laying everywhere

Could be:
Poisoned with air,
Bodies laying everywhere
Pages
Of the book all torn (ripped away)
Stained with the sour words they've said and say
Growing
Nothing living in this space again
And we are dead again (redundant)
Because we've falied to feed the sin of mourning

( Posted by: eleda [Member] On: November 18, 2005 )

Escape
Sorry, I didn't get to finish my comment, because my laptop is touch sensitive and it just posted the durn thing before I was ready.

I wanted to position the comment in a more structured way. But I hope you understood the message.

( Posted by: eleda [Member] On: November 18, 2005 )





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