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It has fallen fleets,
gray; it pours while timbering,
Shaking the quilted.

Rain keeps falling on my head,
drip; drop into puddled rain.

The skies are crying,
I feel its woe,hurt, and shame;
Shaking and quilted.

Rain keep falling on my head,
drop; dripping from the leaves.

It has fallen fleets,
The clouds are dreary, weary;
Shaken, and quilted.

(ame de gozen= morning rain)

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The following comments are for "Ame de Gozen"
by Siah

Ame de Gozen
Siah, I like your lines "The clouds are dreary, weary, shaken and quilted," which I think is your strongest image there. But "Rain keeps falling on my head" sounds cliché, a reflection of that popular old song.

( Posted by: Alondra [Member] On: November 18, 2005 )

Alondro's Aptness
Siah ~ I find myself agreeing with Alondro -- the moment my eyes alighted upon that line the tune of that particular song started spinning through my head and instantly whisked me right out of your poem. Which is quite a shame because I think this series of haiku has quite a lot of potential. Simply rewording that one phrase would go far to strengthen this works impact.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 21, 2005 )

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