AUTHOR’S NOTE: ‘Doggerel Show’ is the prelude to my current episodic, ‘Doggerel Tails’. I am compressing the ten episodes of ‘Doggerel Show’ into three volumes, as an aid to the reader in the unlikely event that someone should attempt to follow the plot from end to end. Volume II (this one) covers original episodes four through seven, with minimal editing.
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So in we went, breathless with anticipation. (Actually my puppy had puppy breath- sort of like a baby’s breath but doggier.)
Our senses were overwhelmed. (Well mine were and since a dog’s senses are supposed to be more sensitive I figure my puppy’s were even more so.)
A roiling sea of dogs and humans, a forest of barks, a cacophony of conversation, a whiff of woofers, a scent of soiling, a press of people, a damp dog in a peed pocket…
So I switched my puppy to the other pocket wishing I had brought some of his papers to line it with even though they weren’t required.
We looked around hoping to see a sign for the toy dogs. (Well puppy can’t read but he was looking around too.) There were signs that said “Large Dogs”, “Medium Dogs” and “Small Dogs” (well the signs didn’t really say anything because they weren’t talking signs but that was what was printed on them-the signs, that is, not the dogs) so we headed for the “Small Dogs”. (Well I headed for them and my puppy went along in my other coat pocket- the dry one.)
I never knew there were so many different kinds of dogs. Some were in a ring in the middle doing tricks with their owners (the dogs were doing tricks not their owners).
I knew we were on the right track because I saw a man with a mule standing next to him wearing a sombrero and drinking coffee. (The man was wearing the hat and drinking coffee not the mule.) But it wasn’t the man or the mule (or the hat or the coffee) that told me we were in the small dog area it was the tiny dog the man was holding. It was shivering and had a swollen head and looked almost hairless (the dog not the mule or the man besides the man was wearing that hat so I couldn’t see the top of his head but the part that I could see had hair…)
So I asked him (the man not the dog or the mule) if this was the small dog place and he said, “See”. I thought he meant like look for yourself dummy but I found out later he was speaking Spanish.
I heard another voice say something about bells and lizards and then I looked at the tiny dog and I swear it was smiling at me! The man in the hat just sipped his coffee and smiled. The mule just stood there.
Then I saw a bunch of other small dogs and people (the dogs were small not the people well some of them were) and they seemed friendly (the people not the dogs well most of the dogs seemed friendly too) so I headed that way.
* * *
So I had finally found the small dog area. There were shaky little dogs like the one that the man standing by the mule drinking coffee and wearing a sombrero (see previous explanations) had been holding with their owners standing nearby, but none of them were talking or even smiling (the dogs not their owners- many of them were talking and some of them were smiling- the owners not their dogs). They (the dogs) were called Chihuahuas (that sounds like chew wow wows I think it should be chew bow wows ha ha…umm)
So I saw some long skinny dogs with short legs and they had a funny name for that kind too that made me think of a sneeze (the name did).
Speaking of funny names two of them (the long skinny dogs) were named Oscar. I mean that’s a funny name for a dog anyway but what are the chances of two dogs of the same kind at the same show having the same funny name? It blew my mind! Another one I think was named after that maneuver that you do when somebody’s choking but I didn’t really think about that then.
So I looked at all of the different kinds of little dogs and my puppy didn’t look just like any of them but he sort of looked like a pekepoo and some of them (the people) said that’s really two kinds of dog so I figured that’s twice the chance of being right besides if that’s the only trick they had to do and I didn’t see any of them peeking or pooing my puppy knew half of that trick but none of the stuff that the dogs in the ring in the middle were doing.
So we headed back toward the man behind the window to finish and turn in my puppy’s entry form.
On the way there we passed a little old man with white hair and beard carrying a little cage with a cat inside wearing a hat (the cat not the man or the cage) strapped to its’ head (the cat’s head not… umm)
So anyway the little old man was eating a hot dog with catsup. I thought that was funny a hot dog at the dog show with catsup and he had a cat. Ketchup would not be nearly as funny as catsup.
So I got back to the man behind the window (actually he had two windows- one on the outside and one on the inside- I went to the inside window this time because now I was inside) to finish filling out the entry form.
“He’s a peekepoo puppy!” I exclaimed (see punctuation).
“Great!” the man shouted with glee (see punctuation). “Now, what’s his name?”
I hadn’t decided on one yet.
* * *
So I told the man behind the window (he was behind the inside window now and the outside window was behind him because he was facing me from behind the inside window) that I hadn’t thought of a name for my puppy yet and after a moment he said “That’s O.K., I’ll just put P.P. Puppy for peekepoo puppy and your entry will be complete.”
But I didn’t like that name at all and I said so but he (the man behind the window- the inside one) said it was only for the show and my puppy didn’t have to keep the name so I said “O.K.”
So with my puppy (nom de grrr P.P. Puppy) in my coat pocket (the dry one) we headed back toward the small dogs with the entry form in hand (my hand not my puppy’s).
I went over to where the peekepoos and the peekepoo people were and I pulled my puppy from my pocket.
This is P.P. Puppy, my peekepoo puppy!” I exclaimed (see punctuation).
“I, we I mean he just entered the dog show.”
Some of them laughed, others scowled (the people not the dogs). One of the peekepoo people exclaimed (see punctuation) “That’s not a peekepoo, it’s just some mixed breed!”
One of the long little doggie people shouted (see punctuation) in reply “So is a peekepoo! What’s the big deal?”
He might have been the one (the owner that is) with the one named after that maneuver for when people are choking (the dog that is) or maybe one of the two Oscars (the two dogs I mean one of them… Wow! It blew my mind again).
They all started arguing and shouting and pointing fingers and shaking fists (the people not the dogs).
The dogs got excited and agitated and started barking and jumping and howling and some were nipping at others (the dogs were… at other dogs).
Two cops (well I thought they were cops but I found out later they were just security guards because they ended up calling the cops but I didn’t know that because it hadn’t happened yet) a tall one and a short one noticed and started walking over.
It seemed like a good time to be somewhere else so looking back the way I had come from I noticed the wild white-haired old man (his white hair was wild not the man-well maybe he was) with a cat in a box (he was still holding the box not in there with the cat) talking to the man standing next to the mule drinking coffee holding a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero (see previous explanation) and eating his (the white-haired old man) hot dog (or another one just like it also with catsup- I laughed again) and like I said it seemed to be a good time to be somewhere else so we I mean I I mean- with my puppy in hand I headed toward them.
* * *
But this says it’s for athletes’ foot not jock itch!” I protested.
“The same fungus causes both.” Reassured the nurse.
“Does this look like a foot to you?” I cried.
“Maybe even more,” she purred.
“Let me apply some of that for you.”
Oh! Sorry I was… daydreaming.
So as I I mean we I mean- with my puppy in hand I heard the wild white-haired old man with the cat with a hat in a box with a beard (see previous explanations) say to the man next to the mule with the coffee holding the Chihuahua wearing the sombrero (see previous explanations)
“In here is my pet.
My pet’s name is Socks.
“I brought him here
in his doggy box.”
(That’s a tiny poem- but it’s not a haiku)
And he popped the rest of the hot dog into his mouth.
And the man wearing the sombrero (see above) said,
And the old man (see above) chewed his mouthful of dog.
Then my puppy wiggled free and leaped from my hand and dashed between the mule’s legs. The mule hadn’t moved a bit until now but now he screamed a big mule scream and kicked at my puppy with a hind foot.
My puppy slid until he hit one of the wild white-haired old man’s sandaled feet as the mule bumped into the man in the sombrero making him spill his coffee on the same sandaled foot that my puppy had just bumped into.
“He peev om ma foo!” exclaimed the sandal-footed wild white-haired old man through unswallowed hot dog spewing bits of bun (see punctuation). He must have thought the warm coffee was puppy pee.
As I squatted down to retrieve my mule-kicked coffee-doused falsely accused puppy, a thought suddenly occurred to me.
“That’s it!” I exclaimed (see punctuation). “Your name- I’ll call you Peeve!”
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins