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So I will try one last time
To give you some insight into my life
I think I was once happy
But it didn’t last too long
I might not always be cheerful
I’d like to think though
That sometimes I am happy
And I might not always make the best decisions
But they were mine to make
No matter how wrong or right they were
I’m the only one that can answer for them
So we’ll start from the beginning
When I believe things went wrong
My childhood was short lived
I had to grow up too quick
So here’s my story
Of why my life is so messed up
It was three in the morning
I wake up to my mother yelling
This wasn’t uncommon in my house
But I could tell that this time
Things were different, wrong somehow
I hear the words she says to my sister
Telling her to call 911 right now
There’s not a second to waste
But it was just a minute too late
My father had died that day
The second day of third grade
I fell back asleep after that
And when I woke my grandmother was there
And tears filled my eyes as she hugged me
Since that day my life has never been the same
Time went on and I just never really dealt
None of us really wanted to
I wanted it all to be just a lie
And still to this day I think it’s all just a dream
That I’ll wake to that second day of third grade
It’s taken me a long time to deal with this pain
It has even stopped me from letting others in
Afraid that they will leave me just like he did
I protect myself from peoples love
By never loving them and it seems fair too me
Well my sister never was the same
She began partying and doing lots of drugs
I guess I just sort of followed in her footsteps
Her friends getting me high as a kid
Letting me drink beer and liquor just to shut me up
Let’s just say that from then on my mind was messed up
I didn’t know how to control my emotions or my mother’s actions
Since his death she has always been on the move
Usually with some kind of alcohol close at hand
And I grew tired of all the shit
I had no choice in my life with no will power to survive
I cried a lot and just wanted to stop
The pain that ached in my chest at times
Just became too much to handle
That’s when I found cutting
My first time I didn’t even know what I was doing
I had never heard of it before
Yet there I was crying again
And before I knew it I had a knife
I was dragging it across my skin pushing down ever so slightly
Until I saw the blood pour down my arm
And once I was done everything was fine
For once in my life I had control over something
It felt good to have power over my pain
The next few years are really a blur to me
I don’t remember everything hardly anything
I realize that along the path that I walked
Cutting really had control over me
I didn’t know it at the time but it was an addiction
One I believe I have recently beat
But as usual when one goes away another one greets me
Now addiction it seems has me by the throat
Something I can’t give up not without swapping it for something else
Drugs are something special to me
But the damage to my nasal cavity is worst than I thought
It’s funny when you get your first nosebleed
It’s almost like a rush and at the same time frightening
What has happened to me?
How did I become what I am today?
I can act nice and act like nothing touches me
But everything affects me in someway
That’s why I do coke
Because just like cutting it has this way
No matter how shitty your day
It makes everything seem absolutely perfect
In every god damn way
I’m going to stop now but I have more to say
It’s just that I’m tired and not feeling great
Not like coming down is supposed to feel great in anyway
And maybe one day I’ll pick up from where I left off
Fill you in on those little details I have left out
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Life is Life and Waiting is Life, so we all should Wait and Live for Life.
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Wondering. Thinking. Wishing.
