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Something new happened
Sudden and unexpected
Although not undesired

Some place peculiar was found
Unfamiliar in a way
However not uncomfortable

Feminine and wispy
And yet of strong constitution
But not abrasive

Hidden, she was sitting beside me
Slightly revealing
But oh, wanting to be more

Smiling, she gestured
Straightforwardly moving
Without agenda or demands

Naturally, we talked
Experimentally, we thought
Lacking all pretension

Youthfully, she knew
Wisdom she sought
Wanting for a hopeful hand

Carelessly, she wandered
In dark places meandering
Bankrupt of purpose

Extending her hand
Allowing her lips
Without resolution

She happened smooth to the touch
Gently, she motioned
Yet not without texture

Seeking, she moves forward
To another day of finding
But not knowing what or with whom

Maturely, she considers
Wisdom she samples
But not without freedom

Something finding words
Maybe learning how
Something new happens

Quietly she waits
On bended knee
For the ‘morrow’s guiding light

To Renee from Tamir - For not finding shame in being a seeker.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Something New Happened"
by Tamir

Tamir's 'Something New...'
Tamir,

This is a great poetic story. The length did not disturb me or distract from the piece at all. I think it served to show progression over time, and the quality with which you wrote reflected growth from beginning to end.

S5-8 begin with adverb clauses, and you pick that up again in 11, 12, and 14. I'm wont to believe that there should be a comma after the adverb, but I think it would show clutter. Did you have a specific reason for starting with the adverb rather than saying "we talked naturally", for example? Just curious - I don't think it detracts from your poem at all. I like the use of the adverb clause throughout. At least I hope that's the proper name for them, or I look like a total moron ;)

My favourite strophe:

"She happened smooth to the touch
Gently she motioned
Yet not without texture"

So pretty.

Thank you for the read!

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: October 17, 2005 )

"She happened smooth.."
Tamir- Enjoyable read.

Affirming approach works well here.

Kind of see point Lans made, regarding use of commas.

Perhaps:

Smiling
She gestured

Just suggestion...

Good to see fresh approaches/New ways of saying what's been said before.

Bobby7L

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: October 17, 2005 )

Grateful
You both provided great advice. I'll pull this off soon and clean it up to post again.

This was a one sitting poem and I just vomited this out in less than 30min. The lady it's about had a wondeful impact on me and I found myself having to slow my feelings down to get it all into words. Now I need to go through it again and make something more readable from it. Thanks for taking the time to review and advise.

Tamir

( Posted by: Tamir [Member] On: October 17, 2005 )

No advice
I have no advice to give. Just wanted to say that I enjoyed it immensely. Clever (sometimes unexpected) use of adverbs, which can be annoying. Not here, however!

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 13, 2005 )

Clever verbage.
Tamir~

I like what you have here. The length coupled with bite sized stanzas give this poem a snapshot feel, and you have some very clever word usage.

I did notice that your stanzas felt more naturally poetic in the middle of the piece than at the beginning or the end. I often have a similar problem myself. I had a fellow poet call it "throat clearing" and I try to watch for in my editing process.

With that said this has a lot of excellent crunchy stuff in it. I'd like to see you repost after some editing.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: November 14, 2005 )

Thanks
Coming from the two of you, I'm honored. I've read a lot from both of you and I'm very impressed. I'm starting borrow lots from you both. Viper always has such an offbeat style. Stories come out of nowhere and take crazy and strange turns. While the conversational style makes it relaxing to fall in. Keeps me on my toes. Bart has an amazingly smooth and poetic way with words. I'm jealous. I'll shortly work on Bart's advice a little.

( Posted by: Tamir [Member] On: November 21, 2005 )





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