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It was dark. Somebody turned to listen to a sound. Somebody else was laughing. Somebody groped towards the other somebody, towards the dancing lights. The lights were dancing over a face, the laughing somebody’s face. It was a TV screen, the light from a TV screen waltzing and foxtrotting across this somebody’s face, the sharp features disappearing and reappearing in red, green, yellow flashes. Somebody stared at this, this face with dancing lights and a TV screen in the darkness. Somebody opened his or her mouth to speak, and the world winked out.

Light pounded past our eyelids, causing us wake and making our head pound. We opened our eyes and sat up on the couch, our couch, the blue one with the flowers. The TV was off, the screen cracked and the antenna bent. The wallpaper had bled in the night, big rusty stains on green and yellow stripes. We got up from the couch and began to walk to the bathroom, to relieve ourselves.

We pushed open the bathroom door, and then we became He and Me, and I retched and He ran. For sitting there in the bathtub was a pile of meat. A pile of bloody meat with sharp features and a smile, eyes glazed with morbid humor.

I looked and looked, but could not find Him, so I ran.

Nuevo Ishmeal Gallus (CG)

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The following comments are for "Good Morning"
by Gallus

I have no idea what's going on here, and even if I did, the writing style seems a little mundane and tries to be mysterious but doesn't even come close. Scrap, rewrite in a different way, different perspective. It'd be better.

( Posted by: cyberjmp [Member] On: October 14, 2005 )

Yes, what.
The perspective I was going for was of waking up after a massive drug binge, which a friend described to me once as being like this, minus the murder. I just wanted it to be less obvious than "I took some drugs. I woke up and found I had killed a guy" THAT"S mundane.

I doubt if I've captured it right, but here it is, as I see it.

( Posted by: Gallus [Member] On: October 15, 2005 )

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