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How I yearn his tender body upon my flesh,
But he's in my head - not real,
He sits as he beacons me with his eyes,
He's in my head - fated to be alone,
He gets up as a slow song plays,
Not real - WAKE UP!
As we dance he softly kissed me,
Not real - but it feels so real. . .


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The following comments are for "Not Real"
by forsakengurl

your poem made me sad, mission accomplished, oh, and i don't know whether you meant to write beacon, which works kinda, or if you meant beckon, but i really liked your poem, it's not the other cheesy stuff on this site.

( Posted by: ilichvladikov [Member] On: October 11, 2005 )

Yes I did mean beckon Thank you!

( Posted by: forsakengurl [Member] On: October 11, 2005 )

Not sure why, but this piece appears to be posted twice on front page?

Noticed you have "yearn" here, in place of "yean," at other version. (Yean is a word, but pretty sure you mean yearn.)

"He sits, eyes beckoning."

Who is "fated to be alone?"..Not sure of grammatical sense in line, as presented..

Perhaps: "He approaches,.."

If "dance" is used, then "kisses" should follow later...Or use "danced" before "kissed"

Final line is not crisp. Perhaps: "Not..But feels real."

Just suggestions.


( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: October 11, 2005 )

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