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8

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8G.S.VASUKUMAR
8yadig

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So you're saying it's make believe?", she asked with a pout.

"I'm saying it's just make believe," as he gained in clout.

"So you never really loved me?" she repeated her pain.

"They're just words," as he followed her words train.

"I see," said she nodding her head.

"You do", said he still wanting her in bed.

"Meet you in fiction," she said with a giggly grin.

"Meet me in fiction," he sighed as he let her in.




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Comments

The following comments are for "Meet me in Fiction"
by greatsmile

GS
love it. you wear brevity well.


sd

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: October 10, 2005 )

thanks :)
Your compliment is appreciated!

( Posted by: greatsmile [Member] On: October 10, 2005 )

i dig
poetic. I dig.

( Posted by: yadig [Member] On: October 12, 2005 )

Thanks
Glad you liked :)

( Posted by: greatsmile [Member] On: October 13, 2005 )

poor man's ogden nash
don't think it works.

( Posted by: breadman [Member] On: October 14, 2005 )

Really?
Can you tell me why not?

( Posted by: greatsmile [Member] On: October 14, 2005 )

Punctuation, etc.
Just a few things.

[1] Line one should not have a comma after the quotes because the quoted sentence ends in a question mark.
[2] The comma in line six should be inside the quotes, not out.
[3] The poem is rather simple and very nearly cliche - not sure this is a good thing.
[4] I liked the 'make believe' and her agreement to meet in 'fiction', though I don't understand one bit why 'he sighed as he let her in'. That makes him sound exasperated by her but he was the one who wanted her in bed. It's not congruent.

Otherwise, a decent poem.

amie

( Posted by: amie [Member] On: November 11, 2005 )

thanks Amie
I think he sighed because he wanted to end the relationship, but there was something keeping him in it. Thanks for your comments.

( Posted by: greatsmile [Member] On: November 16, 2005 )





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