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President Bush today announced his latest Supreme Court nominee- his close friend and longtime barber Vincent “Perry” Cuomo.
“Vinnie the Blade is a close friend of mine”, the president told reporters. “He’s been cutting my hair since I stopped reporting for National Guard duty back in the Seventies. Boy, those were the days- I wish I remembered them…”
“So Mr. Cuomo is a conservative Italian-American with strong family values, and don’t worry, he’s not related to any New York liberals”, Bush continued. “ He’s always telling stories about the family. His stories helped inspire our new bankruptcy laws. He’s a friend on whom I can depend, like Mike Brown or as I like to call him Brownie, or Paul Bremer or- well I can’t name them all but I choose people I know. Look at our results in Iraq, in the war on terror, our stewardship of the Federal budget, our response to natural disasters and rumors of global warming, which means the results speak for themselves. I don’t understand why people are doubting me on nomineers lately.”
In response to questions about Mr. Cuomo’s qualifications and conservative credentials, the president replied, “Perry is a true conservative. There’s only three choices in his shop- regular, crew cut, or flattop. His comb always parts straight and narrow on the far right. No styling, no trim, no shampoo girl. No fancy pants hair care stuff to sell you or use on you- just talc, Vitalis or Dapper Dan, and the blue water he keeps his combs in. He won’t even tell me what that stuff is. I wanna see the Senators’ faces trying to pry an answer out of this guy. Plus he’s a minority, an Italian-American. What this means is that a majority of Americans are not descending from Italy.”
The president also announced that former FEMA head Michael Brown would receive a Presidential Medal of Freedom for “defending States’ rights from Federal meddling” during the hurricane Katrina crisis. “Plus I think I’ll make Brownie ambassador to someplace nice”, Bush added.
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins