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I ask him,” did you take the E again?” He replies with no, “Just got really high and drunk”
I fear that I might never see Spain. The lush green trees, the water, the culture change and the little parasites that crawled through your intestines and cause catastrophic damage and even death. The light that would shine through these trees would create a florescent green on the undergrowth. It would be a brilliant highlight to a peaceful get away.
“I can’t clear my throat” he says. I tell him to,” go get a drink of water, but don’t drown in it”
Sometimes I feared that she might be pregnant. Though I doubted most of the time. In school they teach you that all girls are fertile and ripe for fetus creation. In reality though, they are not. The chances of pregnancy waiver depending on when intercourse happens, semen count and sometimes the psychology of the woman.
The problem with grinding your own coffee lies in the utensils you use. My grinder is insufficient. It grinds the coffee in larger chunks. The finer the coffee, the stronger it is. I had to add creamer to my coffee to soften the weak taste.
I hadn’t worked in well over a month and now the days molded together. When unemployed a calendar and watch become useless. Like wisdom teeth useless. I was pending for basic training. On a waiting list to be processed for inspection. When I told people I had joined the Navy they told me I was, “fucked for four years” or that I was going to “severely regret” the decision. On one occasion I was trying to find a store that sold liquor to minors. The sales clerk was missing half his teeth and had long blonde hair. Though, he was balding on top. He spoke with a lisp. I carried my selection of various alcohol to the counter.
“He says to me, “Hey man, what’s going on?” I reply with, “Not much. Just one last party before I ship out”
He pauses. He didn’t I.D. me. He looks up to my face and then to the blue hat with gold printing that read “NAVY” He says I am crazy and a brave man. So was Hitler. He tells me that my life is going to drastically change and that I might regret ever joining. He explains of how the government lies and cheats the people of this “great nation”. I tell him, “It’s only a job”
The problem with people that live in America, well they have no idea that there is a world outside politics. A living breathing world of insight and experience. Beauty at it’s finest. Little Ethiopian children, homeless people, under paid teachers these are the hero’s of life. These are the reasons we live in heated homes with carpet that has clever designs cut into it. These people are the reason why we move so much for employment. These people are the inspiration for motivation. The last time I checked, a muse was something that was beautiful. These people… are beautiful. So I joined the Navy, the easiest, quickest way to leave America and all for free. So I work a job. I sign a contract that says I will be with this company for a certain amount of time. I neglect to re-read it. I know I won’t care. I figure that this solves more then one problem. It solves my parents wanting me to be something great. Now I am a patriot. It solves money problems, I get paid to live. It solves my unemployment. Now I have a job. It solves my confinement. Now I am free or had I just accepted the fact that I was unhappy.
He tells me he has been awake for 62 hours. I tell him I think I might be slightly insane.
The town I live in is a prison. Walls of miles and miles of desert and weeds. Every morning I drive past the store and the septic smell of fecal matter haunts my sense of smell. The dry, dirty air. Everything seemed to be trapped in time, in equilibrium with each other. A balance of foul smelling streets and angry people. Tibet has riots that are this bad. It’s not all an atrocity though. The coffee shop, they grind their coffee into fine bits.
Kyle, he is like me. A constant struggle with truth. He sees past the name brand clothing, he sees past the need for a decent job, past the politics of school and the social ladder. He sees that life is pointless. That no matter how you manipulate life, we all have the same solution. Death. He knows that with different experiences he will find enlightenment. Which will make him more alive then most people. Which is why he is half drunk and passing out on the couch of his house imaging people yelling…things. I tell him that the brain swells and contracts which causes hallucinating. He says that E is fun. I tell him that I like my woman like I like my coffee, “quite and easy to get along with.” He just laughs and says he likes his woman like he likes his coffee, “like a shoe, black and loose” I couldn’t help but laugh.
In school I was told I would go on to do great things. A month after I was graduated I was still living at home working fast food with no real ambitions. I hated every minute of it. I lasted a week. That’s when I joined the Navy. I hoped that I would be able to visit Spain. Now jobless and in pending. I still heard the shit fly from my mothers mouth about finding a job and being lazy. I ignored her by getting drunk. When you drink everything brings on more importance. Emotions run high and sway to extremes. Adrenaline rises in some people. Acceptance is brought on. Alcohol, is it a great way to experience a different way of life. It can mask truth though. It can lead you to being dependant on the drug.
A friend sends a message to me over the internet entitled “ The solution to all of life’s problems” I open up the email and don’t even read what it has to say. I type “is suicide” and hit send.
My journey started when I was 13 when I started only sleeping a few hours a night. It was then that I started to realize that life is pointless. I would stay up late, laying in bed and going over the importance of school, work and…anything people do. I couldn’t find any solid reason. Now, 7 years later I sit behind my glowing monitor and type what I feel is necessary for deliverance for truth and the pursuit of acceptance. Drinking my softened coffee and running my tongue over teeth that needed to be brushed or I would develop cavities that would be the stress of consuming anything to rich. Which would mean I would always have to drink softened coffee. The Navy would pay for repair, not me.
I am in a constant struggle to be like everyone else. To be able to be content with who I am and what I am doing. I am always looking for an escape route. I am the notion of good reason, the fathomable epitome of a walking complex. Shave my head and give me my bar code.
Kyle and I are pioneers of the new frontier. We are the ones that take the first step into the unknown.
I ask Kyle if doing E is ok, he says he is pushing the envelope.
In life, one thing that everyone wants to accomplish is having someone they love. Besides a parents or brother or sister. Cassandra well, she’s a Christian. Religion plays a major role in a relationship, especially when the girls mother believes that you are the root of all evil. I say this because every time I call their house, her mom comes with something like, “You have things to do get off the phone” what a coincidence that is. We are on the phone long enough to say hello and goodbye.
I tell her I want to set her free. She tells me that she worries about me.
I spent two years hanging out and talking to this one girl. I became very attached and still have a problem cutting all ties to her. When you no longer carry the title of boyfriend or girlfriend. Everything changes. It’s a title that olds most people together. What a shame that is.
I have been awake for 20 hours. My mom comes in and asks me if I went to Hanna men’s. I tell her no. It’s 5:30 in the morning and she doesn’t ask why I have been up for so long. She just wants to know if I have a job yet. If I could tell her anything I would ask her the difference between us, and when she asked for the answer I would say, “ about 60 points.”
Cassandra was unhappy because of the stress people put on her. I was unhappy for no apparent reason.
After staying awake for 20 hours things tend to blend together. The music in the background, the florescent lighting in my room and the stale coffee smell that hangs over my coffee mug, well, I no longer notice them and focus all my attention on a Dr. Pepper bottle. I grabbed the corner of the red paper that wrapped around the bottle that had the label “Dr. Pepper”. I hate titles, they are the hemorrhoid on the ass. They are the annoying whistle sound when a window isn’t shut all the way. They ruin everything. Titles are racism and prejudice. They hold decades and centuries of the condemned. I peeled back the red label and left the white under tone. Now the soda was label less and it was just soda.
I felt sorry for all the hamsters that lived in cubicles and sat behind a computer all day increasing the employers six figure income to a seven figure income. While they got pain minimum wage, don’t worry about them though, they get holidays off. How many of them enjoyed the card board smell of confinement. The rotten smell of fried ink cartridges. These are the people who have the nerve to tell me I am insane for joining the military. Their job is their death, a revolver would do the same thing. It would only make them famous. New paper articles would blossom up through the media.
I had picked up a habit of sketching quotes or sayings or bits of information into places I went. I sat in the waiting room of my dentist’s office. I sat there hunched over a new paper reading about war on terrorism and the latest hurricane damage. I waited until the receptionist left her desk. I pulled out a pin with a metal tip and in the wooden coffee table I carved “To know is to have done, experiences create you” and laid the newspaper over my new master piece. Now whenever someone sat down in front of this coffee table they would have to read this bit of information and if it didn’t make them think then they might as well be vegetables.
There were hurricanes that had been hitting hard. Destroying towns and killing a lot of people. This guy once asked what I thought about it all. I told him it was natures way for population control.
Louie B. Tunnell