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Loa Tse said, ďThe journey of 1000 miles begins with a single stepĒ. Taking that first step can be very difficult but, for me, not nearly as difficult as the decision to take the journey itself.

Iím going to close my eyes and lean forward. Iím going to believe that my leg will extend itself and my foot will make contact with the earth. I am going to trust that this will result in a first stepÖ my first step. I canít say for sure that Iím committed to the journey or that Iím actually starting it. But something within me that Iím unable to describe at this point is empowering me to lean forward. I close my eyes. Iím afraid and I donít trust myself.

Iím staring down the length of a pool stick. Iím at Peteís Bar at 10pm on a Monday night. I play pool because I find it to be a healthy distraction from lifeís difficulties. Sometimes, oftentimes, the eyes of my mind are opened and I realize just how screwed up my life is. Trust me. Youíll see for yourself soon enough if I can just get through this without quitting in the middle of yet one other thing in my life.

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The following comments are for "Chronicles from a Park Bench on Lover's Lane - Chapter 1"
by Tamir

Ditch this chapter
...but keep the other two. I almost didn't read the other two you have posted so far because I didn't like this beginning one bit. There's no reason to spell out the meaning of the title for the reader. Once the entire story is told, the reader should be able to make sense of that title, perhaps not exactly the way you explain it, but sense nonetheless. There's something to be said about leaving a few things to interpretation.

I think you have a great story going here, and I actually like the first person voice you've chosen, a voice I generally don't find to be very appealing. I'm assuming you're in the beginning stages of this story, so when you go back to edit, I recommend just editing this 'chapter' right out. It's too short and unnessary. Perhaps it's just you getting your bearings.

The other two chapters I've read, like I said, are pretty good. You're not going to be able to hold this singular narrative voice with no dialogue thing for an entire novel, so I hope you have plans for an actual plot with character interactions.

Keep working, and I look forward to reading more.


( Posted by: amie [Member] On: September 21, 2005 )

Comments on Chronicle- Ch. 1
I am afraid that I am going to have to agree with the earlier comment, in that this first chapter reads near-to an apologetic rationalization for the story.

I believe that I would let the author's "hopes" and intentions remain moot (and mute too). As a "hook" for the story, I was more set to read this from what was left in a later chapter than this first chapter might provoke/inspire me to read on. As the reader will, unlike myself, encounter this chapter as an opening- I would suggest either a redraft, or picking it up as this chapter closes- Upon the actual beginning of the narrative. (Humility is a trait unbecoming of a writer- methinks *smirks*)

At any rate, I am off to read chapter 2 now ...


( Posted by: Porphyry [Member] On: September 23, 2005 )

Tamir: chronicles
Hi Tamir,

I think this is a good piece of the whole. I believe it has a life as a preface. I would maybe flesh it out a little bit - or not at all - and leave it as a preface to the rest of the chapters. This will make for good book material. I like it very much. It's thought provoking especially due to the timing in my life.


( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: October 27, 2005 )

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